Musings
by Brendalwood
Summary: Journal writing from various characters
1. Chapter1

Hi. This will be multi chapter, but short. It's my view into characters heads based on episodes I watch. It will be heavy H or E but some days the musings will be from other POV's.

This first set is from the first few episodes. Pilot, Another Benghazi and The Operative

Brenda (who is a huge fan but who owns nothing. These are Barbara Hall's, Morgan Freeman's and Lori McCreary's

...

Growing Pains

My wife is overwhelmed and I am worried about her. The problem is that I cannot simply tell her to stop what she's doing; we don't have that kind of a relationship. We are a team. We always have been. In fact nearly 25 years of marriage have taught us that when we don't work together, neither one of us feels good in our own skin. My Elizabeth is the new Secretary of State. I am immeasurably proud of her. I have no problem standing at her side and letting her be the one who shines. She's not mean about it, she doesn't see me as subservient or unmanly. In fact I know she respects me more because of how I treat her. I wasn't always this cool about things. I made some bad calls in the past, and I saw how that hurt her. She tells me I am her touchstone. She sometimes mourns her ability to stay sane and ethical in this job. Hell, the other night when she asked me to give the Russian foreign ministers daughter an A to save a man's life, I tore her head off. She was chastened. I was chastened. We both question our parenting style. We spied on our 15 year old daughter's texts until yesterday. We have a 20 year old who's dropped out of college, a sad teenager who might be getting cozy with the varsity quarterback as I write this, and my son, our son, has anarchist tendencies. Elizabeth and I feel a weight. We have to get these kids on track and work together. I almost let Stevie run a game on me recently and that time it was my wife who detected it. She's not Elizabeth the unethical anymore than I am Henry the holy.

I enjoyed it when she was getting her doctorate and teaching at UVA. I knew where she was everyday. I knew she was safe. We lived on a horse farm and had quite a bucolic existence. We felt it was time. I flew in combat during Desert Storm and she was recruited by the CIA in college. We have both spent a lot of time terrified we would lose one another to chaos in the Middle East. However tonight as I sit here and watch her brow furrow as she works, my own tradecraft- spying on her while I write in my journal- I am aware that everyday now she is at risk in ways I never even thought possible. In academia she had some enemies. Vesuvian contractors for one. She condemned them last year in an article and here she is working with them. The entire world knows who she is, and she is expected to manage problems with a lot of very powerful and corrupt men. Because she's fourth in line for the Presidency. She's savvy, she's strong and she is decent. She works like a bulldozer to get things done, and her doggedness is a craft she honed starting in childhood. She'll take the punches, the embarrassment and the awkwardness of diplomatic relations and she faces it head on, cheeks blazing. She has to convince Washington, and the world that she was the right choice for the job, even when she's too terrified to admit she might not be ready. I love that about her. She is my best friend, my lover and the light of my world. She's patriotic but not nationalistic and she's insanely intelligent. Elizabeth is athletic, joyful and sexy. She's playful and sweet. Her parents died when she was barely 15, and she had a brother to raise when she needed raising herself. My wife figured it out. She doesn't run from a challenge. She'll take a bullet for any underdog and she worries about me and the kids. She was there for me through every challenge I ever faced since we met. I've been smitten since I first met her. I used to tell her, naively, that I would never let anything bad happen to her. She kissed me soundly when I made that proclamation and told me she couldn't abide that notion, sweet as it was. She was just 20 years old when she said that. Her reasoning was that life was full of bad things, and that she had to handle her share - bear her load. I countered by telling her that she had already borne more than most and she shrugged. She asked me to be with her while she lived through life and I was the one who choked. Life? A whole life? I was 25 and I ran away for a few days. She took me back, and it took more than my insane marriage proposal to truly gain her trust again. I am thankful she allowed me to do so. Her reasoning was that she didn't want anyone else and she sensed I would be back. She knew I was afraid. She was too; and we worked it out. I can't see how to live if she is injured, or jailed, or killed. Every morning now she heads off to do a job that threatens these things. She's admitted she talks about things with me too much, and she has to be more secretive about what she is entrusted to know. I know that if she makes a mistake the best outcome will be a reprimand, removal from office comes next and if it's deemed necessary charges so severe she'd be locked in a hole until she died.

Don't even get me started on public opinion. As a woman, her clothes, hair, shoes, mannerisms and voice are all criticized. She has told me that she has to flirt, prostrate herself, wear head coverings and put up with a lot of abuse to get anything accomplished. I remember when she was teaching and she had a stalker. She reported it, and pursued everything by the book. Still, she was followed and teased and bullied until one night I caught her examining bruises on her arm. I was ready to commit murder and she stopped me. Her eyes were wild and she said she simply needed to know she had me and the kids to come home to. Bruises heal, nightmares go away but a husband in jail and fatherless children plus a stalker was not helpful. She wasn't going to let fear rule her life. I cried that day, and my wife comforted me. I know Russell Jackson drives her crazy. I know her staff hasn't quite figured her out. She feels pretty alone right now. Even Conrad doesn't always have her back. Then she comes home to family issues. Her privacy is almost non existent. She misses driving. She misses the horses. She isn't used to wearing all these fancy clothes and heels every single day. Her Chief of Staff actually came to me and asked for my help in curbing my wife's tendencies to kick of her shoes, rumple her hair, get ink on her hands. I told Ms. Tolliver that I valued my life, and that Conrad knew all of this. My wife lives in jeans and untucked t shirts. So more days then she would like, Elizabeth wears a dress, or a jacket, keeps extra clothes at the office and just puts band aids on the blisters. She's got long limbs so America can deal with the fact that her shirt cuffs stick out and she doesn't have time to nurture fake nails or coloured nail polish. She hates having the shorter hair, but apparently ponytails are unprofessional as is long hair. She doesn't complain much at all. A quip, a glare and a lot of finger biting tell me she's coping. She's surprising herself by how well she is doing. We go through a lot of ice cream and popcorn. I hear she's a pastry monster in the mornings. Her assistant seems to have her back for now, and after working all through the long hot summer, Russell paid her a compliment. So tonight she's actually a little proud of herself. She's done a little online shopping and has actually gone to watch TV with the kids. I can hear her laughing- and that makes me very happy. I think I'll go draw her a bath and pour her a glass of wine. Then I'll see how tired she is and maybe we can release some of her stress. Making love to her is a salve for my soul. I support her and I want her to succeed because she will be the one to beat herself up if she can't do this. That makes me feel gutted. She has a conscience. She's still apologizing to me in a lot of little ways for asking me to compromise on the A. She gets a little punchy when she is really tired. I get testy. She's coming to find me. I'll write more soon.

...


	2. Chapter2

Chap 2. Elizabeth is thinking about her family

My parents would have loved Henry. That's something I am fairly certain of. It's challenging when I ascribe traits to them now. I miss them keenly, and I wonder if at any point, they ever looked at me and thought about my future. My father was the man I wanted to impress the most. He was tall, handsome and very principled. His last moments with me, he knew I was studying geometry and he called me Euclid. Does he know I majored in Math? That I have a PhD? That I am fourth in line for the Presidency? I hope he would be proud of me. I remember my mother would brush my hair, and she would always leave it down. She rarely braided it, or did much to it. She would tell me that classic, shiny clean hair was beautiful. It's funny, but I always hear that whenever I make a ponytail. At Langley I always had to wear it out of my face. I don't know if she would have worried about me. I would be worried about my kids if I found out they were training to be an "analyst". I suppose though, that I would have to let them live their own lives. That's already happening and I feel like I neglect my children while I serve America. I neglect my husband and my marriage too. I hear that my approval ratings are good. I wish they would speak to my family before they publish those. Women in America and possibly around the world look at me and think I have a handle on it. I don't. I miss so much. So why I decided to go off on Henry about canceling the trip to the spy museum with Jason- I'll never know. I have disappointed all my kids about a million times over the last few years. I accepted this position. I am the one who moved us to DC. I am the reason Stevie quit college. I scare Alison with my pronouncements, and I am hard on my son. Jason wants to be accepted for who he is as he grows and I give him so little grace. Let's also be mindful of how I nearly made them orphans with my skirmish in Iran. And let's be honest, I put myself in dangerous situations often because I go with my plans and I don't always stop to think about what the outcome could be. It's not just about me. I lambaste Will for doing this, and I am such a hypocrite sometimes I can't stand myself. My father would've taken me by my ear to the woodshed for some of my choices and honestly, when I look at myself, some days I feel shame. Not every day, but some. I joke about women are so good at multi-tasking but I am going to be honest. My house is still standing and my children are functioning because of their father. I have to make sure Henry knows how much I appreciate this. How proud I am to call him my husband.

So after I turned Paris into Peoria, my amazing husband blindsides me with the most beautiful gift. I am going to smudge my ink now with my tears; but I have to write about it. Henry knows how much I admired my fathers watch. He had a copy made and last night he gave it to me, just because he wanted me to have it. Henry loves me so much it takes my breath away. He is gracious and thoughtful and so very kind. He's the most beautiful man and how I got so lucky is something I will always be grateful for. He's always going to make time for me and the kids. I am going to add something to his beautiful gift. I promise to make time for my husband and the kids. I need to listen to them more, be present more. Stevie and I can be friends now and I admire her for so many reasons. She is beautiful, outgoing and willing to risk her heart every day. Alison is so much smarter than I give her credit for. She has a perspective that I don't, and how I did not know how she sketched makes me sad. She's trying so hard to grow up and deal with life as only she can- and I have to get better at hearing her voice. My Jason knows how to push every button I have. He really wants his father's time and approval, and I forget that he silently is also asking for mine. I am doing to him what my dad did to me. I was raised to be as brazen as a boy and as wise as an owl. Dad wanted an Elijah, not an Elizabeth. I know that. I also know that he grew to learn to love his daughter as a daughter. Mom explained it to me once. He had a strict father, a few brothers, and he knew very little about dolls, skirts or tears. It was hard to be an Adams sometimes, but I did my best and I learned how to play golf, fish, shoot, camp and scramble. I studied so hard in school it gave me headaches. I can build a fire, get dirty, smoke a cigar and down scotch like I have a liver made of steel. My parents were strict, but they wanted the best for Will and me. The discipline was old fashioned and I admit that I did feel left out when Will needed almost all of their attention. Jason doesn't need that. Henry and I both agreed to forego spankings for our children. We talk to our kids. Jason needs me to let him find out what kind of man he wants to be. That time I pardoned Erica James impressed him. He wants to rail against an unjust system to make it better and to be honest, I am a part of that system now. I need to lace up my sneakers and shoot hoops more often. Or take him fishing. He used to enjoy that with me. He doesn't always hear love from me, just criticism and admonishments. When he punched that kid- Preston; that was the perfect time to tell him that I am the reason he has a good right hook. Apparently I was a scrappy little kid. I didn't fight much, but there were a few times I took on a bully. My parents punished me, and I stewed about it. I remember once telling my mom that I had to stand up for Christy because Butch and Buddy were intimidating her. Mom said that I should have told the teacher and that she was tired of trying to get blood out of my shirts. I remember feeling so unheard and yet - I do this to my son. That changes tomorrow. My boy is going to be surprised to learn this about me. I look forward to his reaction actually. Jason and I need to laugh together. I took out Datu Andrada and Jason defended my honour. We both have a temper.

Now back to my amazing husband. He is so smart. He is beyond intelligent and thoughtful. He's overcome a tough childhood and the courage it took for him to be a sensitive man in Patrick McCord's house only begins to speak of Henry's courage. He took a chance the ROTC and lord knows I was certainly not the easiest girlfriend he could have dated. He was with a woman named Rochana and she was so much more his type. Religion, theology, Socratic arguments about everything. She's beautiful and exotic and passionate and somehow Henry McCord decided that a lonely, young Math major who challenged him in his own classroom, well, he tells me that my impertinent questions about God impressed him. He says that I was the yin to his yang and that his stomach flipped during our argument in a way it never had before. I felt the same way because when class was over I felt like an idiot for challenging the young but incredibly handsome professor. I spent that weekend trying to figure out how to apologize for running off at the mouth. I went to his office hours on Monday morning and he let me grovel. Then he smiled at me and said that I had made him research his position all weekend and that he now appreciated my perspective. He also changed my name. Almost everyone called me Lizzie. Henry McCord said that my real name was powerful, beautiful and more fitting of my personality. "You might well be a Lizzie to your friends and family, but I see an Elizabeth in front of me. I recall blushing at that. I also remember falling in love despite my best intentions. That ethical professor told me we could have coffee in May, after I was finished with the class. He had the other TA grade my papers and exams and it was only after we had begun a relationship that he told me that he found teaching me to be the most intense semester of his life. He swears he had broken up with Rochana for reasons other than his attraction to me and I want to believe that. I am self conscious sometimes, but then I remember that Rochana is married with children and that we only hear from her at Christmas, or when she or Henry run into one another at religious conferences.

I know Henry worries about me. I know that he values me and my crazy ideas. He forgives me when I least deserve it and he gives me joy every day of my life. I certainly know that my world without Henry is inconceivable. I have faced that worry many times. He has been to war, he's been mugged, he's been shot and I know I nearly lost my mind when he was exposed to radiation. He's put his life on the line more since I became Secretary of State and I couldn't be more proud of him. Losing him would destroy me, and he's told me that he feels the same about me. So I pledge to be more present with Henry and the kids. Because we still have so much life to live together. All right journal, enough of my self analysis for today. I just heard Stevie yell that Henry and the Chinese takeout have arrived and tonight we are playing board games. Today Jay noticed my watch and asked me why Henry didn't just get me one of those smartwatches. Jay is a young man, and he was taken aback when I said that this watch is the smartest watch for me.

...


	3. Musingsch3

This entry will have Henry and Elizabeth's POV and possibly other characters. It was a huge episode arc and we are feeling it still in Season 6. This chapter sequence follows the events of Tamerlane and Face the Nation. Of course I have added in some backstory that I have imagined. Also I apologize for the couple of weeks since an update. FF ate my update and I had to redo it all. I will have to learn how to use google docs, or something like it.

Henry (part 1)

Dear Lord please be with my wife right now. She's on a plane headed to Iran and I am home with the kids, doing my level best to remain strong. Last night she used humour and all out cuteness to defuse my fears and we had amazing, mind blowing sex. So as fun as that was; it could be my last memory of her. Bringing me tea, rolling her eyes and teasing me with light hearted banter about her rejects for the new Mrs. McCord. Let me be clear, it won't be a year and I won't be amused if she comes back to me in a body bag, or not at all. I just wrote body bag in relation to my wife. I am pretty terrified this time. The kids and I would be lost without her laugh, her temper and her. There is no one else to be Mrs. McCord. If I knew what kind of danger she would be in, I would have risked her wrath and told her that SOS was just not for her. Apparently there is a reason Marsh was murdered. George was killed, Juliet betrayed them all, and Andrew Muncie is up to no good. I don't trust in his arrest. He's cunning and Elizabeth always felt that there was something a little off about him. I have entertained these people in my home. My wife worked alongside him for many years and Conrad trusted all of them.

But right now those that aren't dead, are safe and sound and it's my Elizabeth who's off to speak to Javani and the Iranians. I trust none of them. I admire her courage because she knows she's walking intro trouble and she really had to force herself to go. She was crying as she left, and she was terrified. What is that saying about bravery? Why didn't I physically stop her? Now I have to leave it to her detail to keep her safe. I know Fred Cole adores her. I better leave this here and go spend time with the kids because stewing about it won't do anyone any good. When she gets home we are going to have a very serious talk about this damned job. I say when because if I say "If"I am giving up on her. Is this what it was like for her when I went to war? Just keep her safe. Bring her home so I can never again let her go. Her patriotism is stunning. Always has been, and as long as she's able, always will be. I love Elizabeth McCord as Secretary of State. She's uniquely qualified to do this job. She speaks for so many Americans and she truly cares about the world. However, as a husband, I just love my wife and don't want her hurt or killed. It's Alison's birthday tomorrow. I have to make that fun for her. I promised my wife that I would. Alison was a real trouper about everything. I know the kid wants a car. We looked into it, but it's just not an expense we can take on right now. Thankfully we couldn't give Stevie a car for her 16th so this lets us off the hook for Alison. Life in DC is quite expensive. Enough rambling McCord. Go feed those starving kids, before they decide to eat ice cream and popcorn. All three of them are just like their mother for that.

...

Alison

Today is my last day of being 15. I kinda regret not having a sweet 16 party but I am still new here in DC and with all the rules around security in our new house- it just would have been a disaster. Maybe I can have a sexy 17 party? Groan. Not with my parents! I can't get my own car either, because even though we are doing OK financially- mom has to spend a lot of money on new clothes that she mostly hates, and dad says keeping this new house plus the horse farm plus putting money away for us to go to college plus the fees for private school for me and Jason... well not Jason anymore. But Dad says when you get expelled you don't get a refund. The office said that they would apply a few thousand dollars towards my tuition and I guess that's good. But no bright red anything with a bow on it for me.

I am bummed that mom won't be here. Stupid work trip. This job of hers is really sucks. She's always at work and she's always tired. Today though, Mom was extra lovey. She hugged all of us and she even offered to have the laffy string fight in her good work clothes. Dad seemed a little tense and quiet. Are they fighting? That can't be right, his eyes looked sad and scared, not angry. When mom pisses him off his face looks different. She ditched her security last week to go get some mysterious errand done and Dad let her have it. She just looked like Jason does when he's done something stupid and she just apologized. She's still getting used to the job too and she used to love just getting in the car and running to the store. But now she can't even pee without clearing it with DS. Anyway Dad calmed down and he went for a run. She felt guilty and she made dinner for us, because dad usually cooks. Mom made a mess and she burned the sauce and the smoke detectors went off and then she looked adorable because she knew she was dead meat because she wrecked Dad's new skillet. Ironically she taught us that old expression. It means exactly what you think it means. Dead meat equals Big trouble. Her eyes got wide and her face was red and dad said it was classic Elizabeth and then he laughed like crazy and we did too. He sent her to go take a shower because she had eggs in her hair and flour on her face and she dropped the olive oil and then she kneeled in it to clean it up and then she slipped and Dad found her like that and he seriously lost it. She reeked like onions for two days. It took us about half an hour- and that's all of us, to clean it and the floor still looks slippery and shiny. We all revoked her cooking privileges for like the rest of her life. The new plan is before mom cooks anything harder than toast, scrambled eggs or microwave popcorn she has to talk to 2 family members, and one of them has to be Stevie or Dad. Otherwise she has to do all the chores in the house including cleaning Jason's room. Jason is super thrilled because Mom is on dishes for like, ever. We are all pitching in to make dinner and mom's job, when she's home, is garbage and dishes. Dad said that was fair, and she agreed to all of it. Jason was such a dweeb. He decided to try and trick her into cooking. He was telling her that his lunch got stolen at school and that he needed a protein hit. She was starting to get supplies to make him some grilled chicken and then she stopped herself. She told Jason if he tried to trick her again she was going to make him wash her delicates. He turned purple and ran upstairs gagging. My family is crazy. Mom was so proud of herself she did a little dance. She crashed into the table and bruised her hip. My mom can be pretty adorable sometimes and I think we might get her cooking lessons for Christmas next year. She loves food and she has all these cookbooks and she's just hopeless. She can do almost anything and even when she's being grumpy or punishing one of us- she's our mom and I don't want her to get hurt because of her job. I love her a lot. Maybe I can talk Dad into letting me have a sleepover?

...

Jason

Ok so sometimes I write in this dumb journal. Don't tell on me. I had trouble writing in grade 3 and the teacher told my parents I needed to practice. So they bought my these stupid notebooks with dinosaurs and Pokémon and sports heroes on the covers and I had to do two paragraphs every day except Saturday. I remember stomping up the stairs and trashing one of the notebooks. Mom was really good about it. She told dad to calm down and she came and sat with me and she told me she didn't like journaling when she was 8 either. She said that writing was an advanced form of communication and that I had the privilege of living in a place where they taught kids how to do that. Where they made notebooks with dinosaurs on them. She made a deal with me. I could pick one notebook and write in it. Or never write in it. She and dad would never read it, or edit it or even touch it unless they thought my life was in danger. I saw my chance and took it. I made her swear that not even then. Not even if kidnappers came. The dinosaur one was off limits. She swallowed hard and kinda squeaked a bit and pinky promised me. Then she gave me a big hug and a wet kiss and told me I was her baby and that she would do anything for me that I needed. Not that I wanted, and she explained the difference. I actually really respected her for that because I could tell she was trying. Even I know I am a pain in the ass little brother. Uncle Will says Mom has been through this before with a trying little boy and that he survived it and was better for it and that if I ever told mom that, he would make me smell his laundry including the socks that he brought home from being all over the world in his kit bag. So now I am getting A's at school and Mom and Dad are officially proud of me. Middle school here is so different from public school in Charlottesville. I can't believe Mom and Dad didn't kill me for getting expelled. My mom even yelled at Dean Ward. She's actually pretty cool when she does stuff like that. Maybe when I am really old and rich I will tell her I actually like journalling. I am 13 now and nobody tells me anything. But I see things and the girls think I am ignorant. Let them. I know that laffy string fight was a diversion. And I know there is a coup in Iran. I am pretty sure that's why everyone in this house looks like they want to vomit. I know what happens to women over there and I know mom is brave. She's still got superpowers so I know she'll make it back home. Because if she doesn't I will be really really mad at her. She hates it when I am actually mad at her. One time she actually told my teacher that I wet the bed. I screamed at her and I smashed her coffee mug on the floor. When she came to talk to me she had been crying and she apologized to me for embarrassing me. She asked me to forgive her. I said I had to think about it. I heard her talking to dad later. She said that she had really messed up and that she wanted to take it back, and that she had betrayed my trust. Later at bedtime I wasn't asleep but she thought I was and she came and sat next to my bed for a long time. I finally opened my eyes and she looked so sad. I reached over and rubbed her hair. She climbed into bed with me and snuggled me the whole night. I understand why dad loves her so much. She's pretty and she has lots of feelings and she's really smart and she does brave things. She apologizes and no ones mom actually does that. She played with me when I was little and she even took me to Cub Scout camp when dad got the flu. She was the only mom there and she did everything like the dads did. We fished, and hiked and told disgusting jokes and had a burping contest. Mom burned her hand making s'mores and she didn't cry. I remember when we got home that dad made her go to the doctor and get it checked out. She wasn't going to go because she said she was tough. Dad gave her this look and she went. That look makes her say "Yes Henry." Yesterday when she left on her work trip dad looked lost and tonight he hardly ate any of the pizza we ordered. So I think Mom forgot to call Dad and she's probably going to Iran to help with this coup or maybe she's there now and she's going to be there for a while fixing it. I think that's why Dad is upset. I am worried too. I don't really believe in God but if there is one, he would help my mom.

...

Henry

She's home. She isn't herself, but my wife is home and alive and I can breathe. She's having panic attacks because I suspect she's got PTSD. She's bottling things up, building a wall and trying to work through it. She was like this when I first met her. It took time to get her to crack her foundation and trust me.

...

Stevie

I don't journal as much as I should. It helped sometimes when I was a teenager. I was butting heads with my parents and it helped me organize my thoughts and feelings.

I love and respect my family. We are a team and sometimes it's nauseating how cute we are. Most of the time it's really helpful to have parents who want to talk about everything. Their expectations are high though. Both of them have PhD's and both are incredible public servants. I know they have secrets now. Dad was up to something when Mom went to India and I ended up getting grounded. I am 20. I was punished for being drunk in public. I wasn't crazy. I think mom was just embarrassed and frustrated and she took it out on me. We still

haven't really talked about it. She risks her life and scares us all to death and now she's always on edge and no one grounds her. Ok, Ok. I get it. I am a brat. I am just trying to figure out who Stephanie McCord is. I have to be more than Elizabeth McCord's daughter. A few months ago I didn't even want to be that. I learned that Mom let some enhanced interrogations happen on her watch, back when she was in Iraq. I was disgusted with her for weeks and I know I hurt her. We haven't talked about it either. Now I am worried about her. She survived the coup and apparently it was touch and go for her for a while. I can tell she was hurt because she isn't moving the same. I won't tell the kids though. They think it's just her elbows. Or they did until she freaked out about Jason having a bodyguard and then going on Face the Nation. Plus I heard her crying. When I asked her about it she gave me this really weird look and said it was hormones. I know she was lying. Dad is really tense.

I am going to do some research. I think Mom has a mental illness, and I know there is a lot of stigma about those. I guess being America's top diplomat doesn't leave room for a woman to have any weakness. Dad told me she didn't have a heart attack. Mom let me help her get dressed and then she kissed me and Dad and she went right back to the office. I thought it was a bad idea and I know Dad felt murderous about it. He knows her job is twice as hard because she's a woman. I also know he won't make decisions for her. I love their marriage. I know he's older than she is, and that they met at UVA. I know gender roles are pretty fluid in our home. Mom was away for a long time when we were kids and Dad was the one who did all the day to day stuff. Now she is the one with the high powered job and Dad is just really proud of her.

I know we all are, but I sometimes wish she could to just go back to being a professor. Because I don't want a mom who tortures people and who gets killed doing her job. I want Elizabeth the bad cook. The one who taught me how to ride a horse, to knit, to stand up for myself and to love reading. She used to coach my soccer team. I guess growing up means amalgamating all of these Elizabeth's and just loving and accepting her. I also want to help.

...

Henry

We finally got a chance to talk it out. I got to tell her how we had no idea where she was for about 12 hours. How absolutely gut wrenching that was for the girls and me. She knows I threatened Conrad and we held each other while I confessed how I felt. She cried too, and she admitted that while her plan worked, the cost might have been too high. She is taking Javani and Fred's losses as personal ones. I can't get her to believe otherwise. Furthermore she's been so angry and unfair. I have never seen Elizabeth like this. She wouldn't admit what really happened, what she was feeling until the middle of the night a few days after she was back. I knew she was blaming herself, and now that she's ready to talk I am listening...

The last few days have been a bit of a blur. Elizabeth made Jason get a personal DS to follow him around school. Our boy just wants to be a normal teen in middle school and my wife was terrified for him. She did ruin his first day, but Jason is growing up and I talked to him about it and all he asked was that his mother get help so she could be normal again. For 13, that's as deep as an I love you might get. I do know that Jason has a keen sense of compassion and it's not always visible. I am reminded of myself at that age. Puberty, mixed with a desire to be both a man and a little boy. I got my wife to back off on the DS and Jason seems mollified. Alison and Stevie are giving their mother a lot of space, truth be told, I think they are processing mixed emotions. Pride that she did such a brave thing, anger that she risked herself, fear that their mother might never be the same. I myself am guilty of this trifecta of emotions. I learned this morning that my dear sweet wife agrees with all of us. She doesn't know what to do and so that's why she's just getting up and going to work. She accepts completely that we were worried sick, that the coup may have traumatized Alison against her birthday for years to come, and that while we love her - we are all quite furious with her, and we are thankful she's home, and we need to just hold her and touch her to make sure she is real. She understands this intellectually. But after she goes all "bitchy" she often wants a hug. She apologizes and I have caught her just staring at the kids with this haunted look on her face. I am feeling overwhelmed but she is going to talk to me. I may have to force the issue but she is going to talk to me. Lord, help me help my wife. Help me help my family...

She was finally able to fill in those missing 12 hours for me. After the windows exploded and the initial gunfire happened, there were Molotov cocktails. No one was there but her, Javani's wife and the boys. Somehow they were able to drag the two dead men to safety in the basement of the house, where there was a tunnel to a bunker. Javani's wife was able to barricade herself and the boys but she didn't have enough room in there for Elizabeth and Fred. My wife begged her to keep Fred. Then, unaware she was injured, Elizabeth hid under a car. The terrorists eventually abandoned the torched house; and only then was she able to to go back to check on the kids and the wife. They were all in shock and yet somehow they managed to get away and find guards who were not part of the coup. These men brought them and the two dead to a state safehouse. This safehouse was an underground room and nothing was working with respect to communications. Elizabeth sat there and waited for someone to deal with the Secretary of State. She said she had no options and she was pretty sure she was going to be killed. There was no way to call us; or even the White House. She had no DS with her, as they had been wounded, killed or separated from her. If a coup leader walked through the door she would have been taken hostage and tortured. Fortunately for everyone in this story, Shiraz walked in and told her he believed her. At this point someone gave her some medical attention and food. Finally, someone got a satellite phone and they were able to call the White House. Conrad ordered an evacuation for Elizabeth, Fred and the other DS agent who got separated from them. They were in the air to Landstuhl base before I could be briefed. _Too dangerous to do anything else_ she told me _._ It was only after she had seen a doctor and without any papers, recited some special codes only she would know, only then could anyone admit that Elizabeth McCord had been in Iran. That's when Russell called me. _Bess is alive and will be home tomorrow. _That's when I bawled. In front of my very adult daughters. The three of us released fear and relief and anxiety unlike anything we've ever experienced. I admit it. Elizabeth apologized for this. She swears she only knew how much danger she was in until after she landed and was read in on what Muncie had done. She thinks he called Juliet. She just feels that this was all very personal. I can't believe that. Could Juliet be hunting her now? Are the kids in danger? Elizabeth is worried too.

I will say this once. Life gives us bumps and bruises. Some of them happen for funny reasons. Seeing the woman I adore covered in cuts and bruises because of a bomb does a number on my entire psyche. Her back will always have a huge scar. Her elbows are raw. There were slivers of glass in her hair and her scalp was covered. Her eyes are dry, her throat is sore from screaming and smoke and lack of water. She should have gone to the hospital but Elizabeth said there wasn't much time for that. It will be a while before I truly forgive Conrad and Russell. It's wrong to be glad someone is dead but Muncie knew about Elizabeth's trip and he was willing to sacrifice her. He was supposed to be a friend.

I need to make peace with this. God rarely goes silent on me, and I remind myself that she's here with me. That's my miracle. I know she is highly trained, highly intelligent and highly skilled. I know she is dedicated. I also know she's a person who has developed PTSD and that she is hurting. My girl deserves so much better than this. She's preserved a legacy for Javani, Iran and America. She's against being called a hero. I think she is truly one of the most courageous people of her time. She'll beat this.

...

Elizabeth

I have been ignoring you my journal. I have been so conflicted. I feel like deserve every stitch in my back and then some. I put my family through hell, and good ole Bess has saved the nuclear talks. But it feels like I left a lot on the table to get America here. It feels like I damaged my family. I lost Fred. He was a good man and he's dead because of me. Andrew Muncie and Juliet - just like that, not my friends anymore. My staff knows I lost my mind and thankfully they are professionals. Conrad should have fired me. Instead I got a lecture about personal safety and taking care of myself; which while completely embarrassing, was completely on point. I would have said the same thing to any of my staff if they were acting like I have been. Maybe I am trying too hard to prove how tough I am. I just have all of these totally crazy feelings lately, and I have to admit that I really screwed up. I shut everyone out and just let anger take over. I am angry at myself for Fred's death, for Javani's and for not being able to save that little boy. So I came home and was a bitch to Henry, Jason, Daisy and well, everyone. I have too many emotions to process. I am not used to this many people caring about me. Henry says I need to get used to that. He also says that I owe myself some time to heal. He does however, agree that I have some apologies to make. He says that I can do that by getting help for PTSD, and for being honest about what I need. He told me Navy SEALS get this, and I was flippant. He also says I need to listen to my loved ones and accept that they are as mixed up as I am. They are glad I am safe, proud of me for the peace deal, awed that I took this challenge on and furious with me for nearly getting killed and coming home injured. I agree. I feel the same way. So Henry advised me to let people know that. They say that only kids get punished but let me tell you, that is the biggest lie on the planet. I have been chewed out by everyone from my 13 year old to the President of the United States and the Foreign Minister of China.If Maureen McCord can call me and tell me that she is glad I wasn't killed - well, Henry said he wishes he had a picture of my face. Patrick wanted to know if I was crazy. Will told me if I did this again he would kick my ass, and he added that Mom and Dad would be proud- after I got one of Dad's famous talks. I still flinch thinking about those walks in the woods- and it's been decades since I had to go for one. So there's that. I didn't do any of this to be a hero. I didn't do this to cause an international incident. I just wanted to save the peace talks and ensure America and Iran did not start a nuclear war. It's not about me. Henry says that's why so many people think I am a hero. I am just Elizabeth. This is my job. It's hard, it's terrifying. I feel like I never get the balance right. I am always on the edge of being a teacher, an analyst, an operative, a diplomat, a boss, a servant, friend, a wife and most importantly a mom. I fail at all of these things more often than I succeed. I miss being a daughter. I was barely 15 when they died and I put up so much armour it's a wonder Henry even tried to get in. I pushed him away at first but that handsome marine with the poetry, deep theology and so much kindness in him... well he stuck around. We built a beautiful life and I adore him more than he will ever understand because I am not as good with expressing myself as he is.

So this Kinsey Sherman better be prepared because I have a lot to say. If I can get out of my own way. Losing Fred, and Zahed. That hurts me in ways I can't express yet. What about Abdol? I owe that boy so much and I wouldn't blame

him if he grew up thinking I am Satan. I cannot bring his father back but maybe this deal, perhaps preserving this deal, will give everyone involved in this mess the closure they need. I hope I can live up to everyone's expectations, actually I hope to surpass them. I hope to honour those who did good. I hope this doctor can teach me how to manage PTSD. Apparently I don't need to be perfect. Despite what Mike B says, I can change things for women in Washington by simply being a woman who is willing to listen and learn and get help.

That I can do. One thing I haven't told anyone was the bodies I saw strung up in the streets of Tehran. I was numb, on my way to the extraction to Landstuhl and I realized how many people died in this coup. How I could have died in this coup. It was sobering to see how different America is, and then to think about how America gets involved in so much of the world's business. The Middle East is a complex place. I had been away for about ten years and I let myself get soft. I am teachable. I think I better go get some ice cream and find Henry. I could use a hug and he always says I can tell him anything.

... fin for this "chapter". I'll touch back on Iran in another chapter of this fic. Happy Msec day!


	4. Musingsch5

So ch 4 got buggered up. This should be short and sweet and I will try to recreate ch 4 at a later date. There is no order to these so Thank God for that. Enjoy.

Henry

The President elect is passed out on the couch and I haven't got the heart to wake her. So I'll just sit here and journal for a few minutes. My wife is the next POTUS. She did it. We were sitting in the limo last night when Daisy announced it. Watching her face light up like that was the most amazing feeling in the world. It's been a very long year and a half. She's been on the road for most of it. It put a strain on us as a couple - we went weeks with hardly any communication sometimes and I have never seen anyone look so tired. But as Joanna Grant said last night « the girl won ». Elizabeth made history. The first completely independent candidate. The first woman. Someone with zero political experience. My Elizabeth convinced most of America to join her on her quest, and they came out and voted for her vision. I am so fiercely proud of her I have no words to express it. She hoped she would win, but she wasn't sure. Truth be told I wasn't sure either. I hoped she would. I held her that entire limo ride and she was shaking the entire time. Her grin is the most infectious, sexiest thing about her. She can radiate pure joy sometimes and I simply bask in her light. In the over 30 years of our time together I fall more in love with her every day. Despite the tough times. Every marriage and family has those and I would like to think that with our vows to one another, no matter what come our way- we McCords will make it.

Our lives are going to change immeasurably. I have to sell this house. The kids are all in college or working. I will be the first FGOTUS. I always said I would be the man beside her and I will be. My role gives me a lot to do. Elizabeth will be happy- all the intelligence work I once did is over. I know I felt like Jack Ryan for a while there, and my wife received a few phone calls that made her worry these last 7 years. To be honest I have spent much of the last 7 years scared to death I would lose her. She always came home; and for that I am grateful. She was the gutsiest Secretary of State and if there was danger, she found it. I suppose Elizabeth and I come by it honestly. When we see danger we are so focused on saving everyone we both forget that we too are not invincible. We'll need to address this before she takes the oath in January. I know there will be people who want her dead. She went up against nationalism and it was a brutal fight. She's loved for being who she is and she is hated for who she is. I just pray that security will always be there and I can't dwell on it, or I will cease to function.

The party last night meant the world to her. All of her old staff was there, friends and supporters. Conrad said he couldn't be more proud of her and she had tears streaming down her face. His approval has always been something she's wanted and I know it's because he serves as a mentor, a little bit of a father figure to her. I know Will's entrance touched her to her core. They bicker but she values his approval also. The kids were there, I made sure to have them come home be it to console mom or to celebrate mom and believe me, hearing from all 3 kids that she hung the moon for them had everyone in tears of joy. Elizabeth isn't used to that much praise from so many people and after a while she simply buried her face in my side. I chuckle a little when that happens to her. Her nose scrunches up and her cheeks flush, while her eyes widen with this overwhelmed look. She's usually so tough that when I get a chance to see this cute side of her - well she's just adorable. She had some insecurities on the way home. Everyone expects Elizabeth the amazing and her fear is that she's so new to this role she'll let everyone down. She worried that every little girl in the world will be watching for her to soar and if she makes a mistake, she'll set feminism back by a generation. I took her face in my hands and I told her that she'll define what female leadership looks like, and that no matter how hard it gets- she is never going to fight alone. I asked her how she dealt with mistakes as Msec and she relaxed. She chuckled and admitted that perhaps Russell was good for her. If she could deal with him and all the other leaders she's worked with, this job should not gut her. America chose her knowing she was a spy, knowing she was a woman, knowing she had mistakes in her past. Her brow furrowed as she took that in and she laughed at herself.

Well enough writing for now. POTUS to be is stirring and I just want to take her upstairs to bed and make love to her for the rest of the morning. America may be her employer but I am her soul mate. And after a few hours on that couch face first she's going to need a massage.

Fin of this chap.


	5. Chapter6

This is a short one but I felt it ask me to write it. Hope you enjoy and with any luck at all there will be another update tomorrow. I find this app works best for one shots for me because once it crashes I can't edit or save. Over the Christmas holidays I will try and learn how touse Google docs and cut and paste so I can do longer multi chaps. Reviews make me smile. There is one where Russell and Bess meet in the works, one where Bess and Dean Ward have it out, more musings, an action adventure for Henry and Bess, and even an M rated one Ooh la la. Not too heavy sexual dialogue but more reparte as H and E try something new. All right end of the promotions and on with the show!

Brenda

...

Based on season 1- Just another normal day

Stevie

My life is a mess. I just blew it up and quit college and now I am a stupid hostess at a stupid restaurant and my own family doesn't respect me. Dad wouldn't even tell Alison to shut up last night.

I didn't go to private school but ever since we moved here to DC and Ali does - she's got these snobby friends and they are such dorks and they're all having these dumb sleepovers and...

Ok I am mad because Ali fits in here and Mom and Dad have these new jobs and I am the idiot. I was on my own and doing well and I am the one who threw it all away. So if Dad was doing that Socratic thing with me I would have to admit that I am furious with myself for being so stupid. I would have to admit that growing up and being on my own right now scares me and I just want to be little Stevie McCord who excels at school and who was homecoming queen and had parents who were proud of her and a cute boyfriend and lots of friends at school. Being 20 is not easy. Not when your Dad is an ethics God and your Mom is the Secretary of State and your siblings are actually still kids and they are all excelling at life and I am just a loser hostess who isn't ready to launch yet.

And I hurt Mom's feelings today because she just wanted to spend time with me and I totally blew her off and if I make her cry then Dad will be mad at me and ... Oh fuck. I can't write anymore right now. I need to go for a run. I'm lonely and I don't fit and I need to cry.

...

Henry

It's a gorgeous sunny afternoon but my home feels like a tomb. The women in my life are all upset and that's three people I love with all my heart.

Alison had a sleepover with a giggling gaggle of new friends and I can finally rest easy that for one of my children, life in DC is a plus. Alison resisted this move a lot. She had a boyfriend and was just coming into her own when Elizabeth took this new job. We worried that Ali would blame us for a long time and become depressed but as children are wont to do- we have been surprised. It's our adult daughter who seems to be the most unhappy, the most on edge and the most emotional about everything. Elizabeth and I had sent her off to second year at Lovell. She was loving her classes, dating, into some clubs. My wife and I were ready to check the box that said eldest child- raised and happy. Alas, she needs our guidance now more than she ever has and it's like she's 12 again. We're worried about her and lately it's Elizabeth who is the one to bear the brunt of all of this angst. Alison is testing her own success and she's not as kind to Stevie or Jason as we would like. She's doing well in school and she has these new friends but she has become judgmental and harsh and it's a lot of squabbling whenever two or more kids are in the house. Jason thankfully seems to be able to slough it off. The Xbox we used to mollify him seems to have worked. Elizabeth and I did have a crisis of conscience about such a bribe. We did conclude that being honest about the bribe made it something we could swallow.

My wife is doing an amazing job as Secretary of State but the cost is high. She's exhausted, stressed and constantly dealing with trouble. Conrad is often very frustrated with her and she is yelled at a lot. I catch her staring into space, but she never cries. She needs the release. We went to George's funeral today and I scolded her for giggling with Juliet and Isabelle. Everyone grieves differently and perhaps I should have remained quiet. I just need to help facilitate a conversation between my daughters, and to be there when Elizabeth does feel safe enough to cry. I'll be honest. I don't think I would a better job than she. I would have yelled back at both Russell and Conrad and would likely be fired by now.

...

It happened. She came home missing George, worried that he was murdered, wondering if we are all in danger, if she is. I will confess that thinking about my wife being at risk makes me feel like there is a boulder in my gut. If Conrad and Russell killed Marsh, if my wife solves the mystery and that is the outcome- I might get a call saying she's been assassinated and that idea fills me with dread. She assured me that I am borrowing trouble, I pray she's right.

She is not happy that our girls are fighting. The situation with the Chinese student has her more rattled than she let on. My wife needed that deal to be signed and she was fairly certain it wouldn't be because of the girl. Balancing that with the idea that a girl Alison's age was an orphan and headed back to China to change the world made her feel hypocritical. She can't imagine our Noodle on her own, let alone in a communist country. So finally the wall came down and my super tough no nonsense partner crawled into my lap and sobbed for quite some time. It was heartbreaking to listen too. All her worries came out. She was spent when all the guilt, fear, anger and shame had left her body and he beautiful face was red and blotchy. Her eyes were stormy and defeated. I tucked her hair behind her ears and then carried her up to the bathroom. She's been soaking in the tub and I am glad the kids have study groups tonight. Tomorrow we'll confront the girls and ask them to discuss their issues. Tonight, I am feeding my wife some greasy Chinese food, and we are going to listen to music and play scrabble. I haven't heard Elizabeth really laugh in a while and we both need that tonight. Normalcy is coming back to this house. The whole family requires it. As for the issue with Vincent Marsh; I am going to help her. She shouldn't solve it alone and I can't watch her take needless risks. To date she's always managed to survive the danger, but those nine lives of hers have been tested. She is relieved to not be keeping secrets from me. She told me she doesn't like to worry me. I held her and admitted that I knew she wasn't a typical woman when we met. The day she told me she was interviewing for CIA I accepted that loving her meant accepting certain things. I have no regrets about our love. I do regret how we handled a few discussions. She agrees. Marriages are built daily, through trial, error and communication. She loves me and she chose me. I feel it in her gaze, her words, her beautiful smile. I am not an easy man. She endured my deployment, my studies and my writing. She endures Maureen. I am constantly demanding that we look at the ethics of every situation and I know she has moments where she honestly wants to smack me. At any rate she's my world and I am going to cap this here. That tub must be growing cold and DS says the food is here.


	6. Chapter7

Hi. This is my take on Accountability from last Sunday night. I added in some backstory that worked for me and I hope you like it. Of course none of these characters are mine. I just love writing about them.

Elizabeth's Journal

I love writing in the Oval Office. I love this desk. I love that I am the President, and that I made history. It was a lot of very hard work, and I had an incredibly supportive team. I am a very fortunate person and I am humbled that America took a chance on me, on my message. I cry when I think about it. It's an honour to serve in this office. To live in this building. To see the love and pride on the faces of my children and Henry- well, to know that not only does he still love and cherish me after over three decades; but that he supports me and that he is still willing to put up with my crap. I was a little thrown recently, he was letting me get away with distancing myself and diving into my own head. I reminded him that he is my touchstone- even more when I am bull-headed; and that when he calls me out on the spot- I know I need to hear the lecture, the love. I accuse my kids of not thinking things through and I know exactly where they inherited that from. Which as a mother, I will admit when I am dead. Bull-headed yes. Completely brain dead - no. However Henry knows me better than I know myself and I count on him to be my rudder. He has helped me grow more than I ever thought possible. I love him with every fibre of my soul. He and the kids are the reason I am a functional person and when he says I have gone too far, or he expresses anger or disappointment in my choices - that's my incentive to make better choices.

So it's incredibly despairing to watch what Hanson is trying to do to me. Yes I care about my reputation. I do not want to be humiliated and impeached. That's human of me. But this man has gone too far. He's attacked my family, my team, my policies. Come after me you son of a bitch. My daughter Is just beginning to trust in love and romance again- and he publicly eviscerated her. She may be 28 but she's my baby. Our talk the other night warmed my soul. She is afraid to fall completely in love because it's never worked out before. When I talk to Stevie now it's woman to woman and I am so proud of her. When I first became Secretary of State, Stevie struggled. Now she's absolutely blossomed. Hanson may have damaged that. Furthermore,Henry is the most ethical man on the planet and it was he who told me to part ways with Daisy. She was my friend. I hope she still is my friend. She didn't do anything wrong. She loved me and wanted a day to think about that stupid flash drive. She would have brought it to me if she had more than a few hours to think about it. Blake who wouldn't harm a fly, has been violated. He's been close to me since I accepted the foray into Secretary of State and I know I am a huge pain in the ass. Mike B is nothing short of a miracle worker because I am the lady who had a vision but no shape for it- and Mike came along and kicked my ass and forced me to think about how to present myself to DC and the world. I owe him a debt of gratitude. I may be the woman in front but rest assured I have men and women who make it possible for me to be a leader. I've grown up these last 8 years. If we are lucky, we are always growing and learning.

So when Hanson comes at my large family directly despite the fact that I went to him and admitted my imperfections, let's just say I feel like I have been sucker punched. I was once an obnoxious teenager and Cindy Martinez cold cocked me right in the nose. I had 2 black eyes and I deserved it. My parents had just died and I wasn't handling it well. I was pretty well behaved but there were times that I needed and craved boundaries, and rarely did anyone realize that. I had been flirting with her boyfriend- I was trying to break them up because I was convinced that Lawrence could love me. I was 16 and stupid. He was a gentleman. I was a jerk. Well all these years later and Cindy is my head chef here at the White House and I swear to God some of the meals are pure payback for Lizzie the insufferable. So I eat them. She dumped Lawrence in senior year and is happily married to Carlos; with whom she has 3 mischievous little boys. Life is funny sometimes. Henry has seen a picture of me from that time, and he knows the story and he agrees that I got what was coming to me. Thankfully I am teachable, and knowing how badly I hurt Cindy, made me take the blame for the punch. The school disciplined us both but Houghton Hall has it on record that Elizabeth Adams was asking for it. With Hanson it's different. This is personal and it's hatred and we are not 16. I have to get to the bottom of this mess because if I am impeached it's not just me who suffers the black eye this time. It's everyone who stood up for Elizabeth McCord and I will not be the one who hobbles every good person who stands up for me. Not Henry, Not Stevie, Neither Mike, nor Russell nor Morejon. My son is going to have to learn the hard way. I worry about Jason. His mouth is going to get him shot. Henry is right - we can't save him anymore. I reserve the right to be concerned. My other worry is Daisy. Someday I will make it up to her. I have no idea how, except to honour her with my work and to always be there for her when she calls. This all has to do with my involvement in the Iran peace talks. I became Secretary of State because of Marsh's murder. I had my eye on Javani way back at CIA. I am guilty of torturing men to stop attacks. I know I have a lot to answer for on judgment day. If Hanson wants to come at me personally I can take it. I can weather embarrassment, disappointment and punishment. I will live with the consequences of my actions. What he is doing is coming at me through the people I love and respect. That's dirty, it's low and it's got to stop. Maybe I have to throw myself on my sword. If I could do that without the effect being felt by all the people I named - I could make peace with that. Horses won't ever tell me I am a disgrace. Sadly I worry about Will. I do wonder what my parents think of me. If they are souls out there- would they be proud of me? I certainly would hope so. I know some of my choices are disappointing. Conrad said he trusts my judgement more than he trusts his own. In a way, I have allowed him to stand in as a mentor, a little bit of a father figure to me. Perhaps that was short sighted and silly of me. I was so young and so pulled in by the fact that the CIA wanted me. Conrad and Henry have been in my life for about the same length of time. So the idea that all of these people might be ashamed of me is something I will have to endure. I have shamed myself sometimes. But I have done some good work. I do truly wish to serve my country. I do selfishly want certain people to approve of who I am and what I fight for.

Well, I best go upstairs and see what's for dinner tonight. If it's crow or ancient marinated grains with fermented tofu; I'll have a good laugh and then tuck in. Enough self flagellation for one day. Too many people count on me to be their leader. So I will lead. I won't cry about it. I may make mistakes but I'll own those. I will honour this White House and all who serve with me and because of me. If anyone in this administration is going to have a black eye it's between me and Hanson. No one else. I will get to the bottom of this mess and it may well be the last thing I do. I won't worry Henry either. He is making history as the first FGOTUS and he is accomplishing quite a bit. I am very proud of him, and tonight he can be my focus. I don't always do that. I think I'll draw him a bath and I'll massage his shoulders. He deserves it. I am more thankful for Henry McCord than I can ever say. If I am anything at all it's because he encourages me. He was always my North Star. He's who I want to be with at the end. I can survive anything knowing that man is beside me. I only dream that he can say the same about me.

...


	7. Chapter8

Henry

Today was full of mixed emotions. A really good man was killed because of his PTSD. Suicide by cop. Elizabeth and I had a meaningful conversation about it and I was gutted to learn that she still suffers. I should have been more aware but after those first few weeks of her coming home from Iran it seemed to be a non issue. We both threw ourselves into our work, I began doing more intense intelligence work and she became so busy. I thought she was fine. I forgot that she copes with loss and fear by projecting calm, acting fine. Then the kids threw a lot at us, Dmitri Petrov entered our lives and Elizabeth seemed even more capable than before. She did not want to bring the trauma into the house. That she felt she had to be so strong all the time, I want to make that up to her. I don't know that I can. She is protective of me and the kids. She has always been so determined that we be so normal. Yet as she says these words to me I couldn't help but marvel that she is the President. She went from being virtually unknown to President inside of 6 years. She put her head down and made it happen. Can I ever express to her how much I am in awe of her? She's the mother of my children. She's my best friend. She's been through so much since Conrad showed up at the farm that cold Saturday. She is tough because she chooses to be tough. The conversation I wanted to have this afternoon was about her getting drunk on blue beer. I wanted to tease her a little. She's sexy when she's tipsy. She's also really cute. Blake couldn't resist sharing the story with me and I was going to have a little fun with her tonight. Hell maybe I still will. After today we will both need that. Instead I swallowed hard and I told her she can tell me anything. She repeated the same to me. I thought we had great conversations but apparently no matter how close you are, some things are still very hard to discuss.

...

Elizabeth beat me to it. By the time I got to our bedroom that night I was just hoping to have a few laughs with her about being drunk at lunch. Instead I walked into a blue lid special. The sheets were blue, her pajamas were blue. Her eyes were full of mirth. She handed me a glass of blue lid beer and she stuck out her tongue for me. "I know Blake and Daisy told you about my lunch " she said with a grin. I admitted the truth and she grinned wickedly. "I spent half an hour trying to clean my tongue and face after sleeping off a midday drunk. I have the secret for getting this stuff off but I am not sharing that until you are all begging me for it." She took a swig and gave me a Smurf-like smile. Her phone rang. She answered very sweetly. "Blake, I really am busy. But you could call Senator Peeples. His number is 555-2583. Tell him I gave it to you. He prefers to hear from people after 10pm. Yes you are forgiven for telling Henry. Or you will be by the time you come in tomorrow. Goodnight Blake." Oh I know this, she was embarrassed and now she's owning it. She turns on the stereo and the strains of bluegrass music fill the residence. She kissed me soundly and wound me me up. Then she took me to bed where we had a very satisfying evening reconnecting as a couple. Afterwards we snuggled and she confessed that she had nearly been in a photo with some highland dancers with a blue lip, tongue and of course - drunk. She said that Senator Peeples had no reason to embarrass her like that except to humiliate her publicly. Her point was that she was expecting to share one glass of low alcohol beer; Not to look like an idiot during the work day. "What if I hadn't run into Daisy? What if a reporter had seen me? What if Mike or Russell needed me to testify or go to the sit room?" I felt bad for her. I was ashamed of myself. She is cute when she is tipsy as my wife, as my friend. Her point about being a blue- tongued President is a good one. Would any of us find this hilarious if it had happened to Conrad ? I apologized to her and she snuggled in. "On the one hand I get that I am a woman and can find humour in these types of incidents. If the worst had happened we have established, many millions of times, that I can apologize and accept consequences. I estimate that embarrassment is an emotion I deal with nearly every day, on some level. But Henry, why do some folks just enjoy seeing me like that?" I sighed " Babe, I enjoy teasing you in small doses because you are adorable when you blush and because you are so on top of things 99.9 percent of the time. I mess up daily. The kids do it hourly sometimes. Today I wasn't a great husband. I thought it was cute. I never considered the impact it could have had on your image. I think Blake and I have known you for so long that we love the silly moments. The human moments. I apologize to you as my wife, as my President and I'll wager if you have a chat with Blake it will never happen again. I'll let you tell me about the silly things and Blake and I can go back to worrying about your safety." She nodded and added "I check in with Evan about how you are doing too" she admitted. I smiled, and told her I suspected as much. I told her I loved her but that sometimes love was imperfect and thoughtless. She agreed and she copped to the same. Her first year as President was going to be full of surprises. Some perks, a lot of work and apparently a lot of work on the glass ceiling. I reminded her that her vulnerability was why she getting things done, how she rolled back the gas tax and took the hit that Conrad never would have. I also told her how she might be changing the worldview on how men are perceived. I am the first FGOTUS. Her assistant is bisexual, her Press Secretary is a young single mom and a woman of colour. Her Vice President is the man she fought with tooth and nail for years. She hugged me and smiled. "So what you are saying is embrace everything because it's new, be open about my feelings and be tough and vulnerable. Babe I am going to need better breakfasts than egg white frittata's and cashew cheese. Oh and Blake is back to feeding me muffins." I chuckled. "How do I know Senator Peeples is going to learn not to embarrass you again?" She grinned. " I am just going to show up and do my job everyday and let that speak for itself. If Blake called him tonight that's more than enough fun at his expense." I laughed. "Sweetheart you told Blake to dial 555-Blue; is that really the number?" She looked impressed "You got me FGOTUS, that one was for Blake. Who is very resourceful. He'll have a cure for blue lip, tongue and teeth before bed. I made him sweat a bit and as his boss and his friend he'll see the fun in it in about ten years. It's Trevor I feel bad about, but collateral damage is a bitch" she drawled.

...

The rest of the week was somber. We attended Brad Jenkins' funeral and his words finally reached the ears of the committee. VA modernization is happening and we named the Bill after him. His wife and children took some comfort in that. The Jenkins name has left a legacy, and it's more than just about how sick Brad was.

Most of us now know how to get Blue Lid off the tongue and lip. But Morejon does not. So I toasted Brad with Carlos and Peeples. Elizabeth now says she never wants to see another bottle of coloured beer as long as she lives; and for some reason Morejon wants to take me out for lunch this week. Something about cheeseburgers, forgiveness and my wise and patient wife. I will drink to that.


	8. Chapter9

Based on The Middle Way. S2.12

-Nadine

My son and I are speaking again. After years of estrangement we have begun to pave a new way. This Myanmar trip may have been dangerous but I am so grateful. It was a bonus to be able to develop a bit of a friendship with Elizabeth. I am ashamed that I ever hated her. I think it was because she wasn't Vincent. I think that even though I am an educated, strong woman I still wasn't as open-minded to being lead by such an independent and strong woman. I look back on the last eighteen months and cannot believe how graceful she was with us. She kept us when she had every right to hire all new staff. She didn't fire any of us when we allowed her to be absolutely humiliated with respect to the micro loans program. She is always polite and caring, except for right after she returned from Iran- which we now know was PTSD; and which she did apologize for. It took a lot of courage for her to admit her weakness and be that vulnerable- but she did. And with the micro loans fiasco she worked with us to resolve that crisis and restore the program. She and I have had some very deep conversations in the time she's been here; and I suspect she wants to be friends- as much as we can be while I work for her. Elizabeth McCord could have had me arrested for my actions with Vincent with respect to that banking business in Venezaula. She did not. She also never deliberately shamed me or told my secrets. She recognized that my heart was broken and she respected me enough to understand that I am a very good chief of staff, even if my love life can be a mess.

So I am thrilled to have a friend in my boss; who more than deserves to be my boss. In fact I would like to give both Russell Jackson and Conrad Dalton a piece of my mind. They talk to her like she is a naughty school girl and lay blame at her feet every chance they get. Yet she never backs down and she always puts her head down and gets the work done. She dealt with Arlen sanely and humanely and she alone made the decision to speak to China and salvage the Trans Pacific Partnership deal. It was a bold risk and she knew if it failed she could be humiliated again, and fired. However she sucked it up and took on the challenge with more courage than I have ever seen in DC in all my years there. I have seen and heard many people try to justify cowardice, and try to pass it off as courage. It's a town for big egos and smarmy politicians. This enigma that is Elizabeth genuinely wants to do the best she can. She'll literally take a disaster and creatively reframe it to improve the lives of everyone affected. I think someday she could be a very good President. I am thankful to serve her. I am becoming a better Nadine than I was was. I did something brave and vulnerable and it paid off. I know the rest of the staff is raising their standard of behaviour just because of her influence.

Thank you Madam Secretary. I am honoured to serve you. Thank you for allowing me to accompany you to Myanmar to repair my relationship with Roman.

...

Henry

I am glad we made peace with the neighbours. How Elizabeth does this all day mystifies me. I am no diplomat. I fumble towards enlightenment every day and need God to help light my path. She isn't very open to God, or to religion; yet she respects the fact that many people in the world do believe and put their faith in a higher power. Whether it's faith, discipline, guidance or something more- my wife respects it.

I am sitting here watching her sleep. She's just back from a whirlwind in Myanmar where she modestly rebuilt the Trans Pacific Trade partnership. No thanks to the havoc wreaked by that crazy ambassador. Only you, journal know how much I worry when she has to jet off in that rust bucket she proudly calls her plane. I haven't got the heart to tell her that her plane should have been replaced by something as amazing as Air Force One. It breaks down, it strands her, but I shouldn't bitch. It brings her home to us in one piece, and for that I am thankful. This time, she was inches from being shot by a Buddhist terrorist. I know Elizabeth and if she could have gotten in the room to stop Arlen from holding the President hostage - she would have. She has been on the edge of more danger in her life than I ever would have wanted for her. Her escapades are all neatly organized in my journals over the last 30 years. How would the kids phrase it? "Marry an operative they said. It'll be fun they said." I told her that the last time she came home from a work trip and she rewarded me with an apologetic grin. "Henry it's my sworn duty to protect the constitution and to be the top diplomat in the room. I told you why Conrad picked me. I honour that even if it's Conrad himself screaming in my ear to do better." I do know it. I signed off on it when I told her I would be her support. Still, how I am to foresee all the trouble she finds in this job? I asked her what dangers Clinton, Powell, Albright and Rice had to face. I asked her why I never saw those people on television with soot on their faces; or if they came home smelling of gun oil and sweat, with hidden bruises and bumps. She smiled softly and joked "well I do things differently. I get really involved, and I talk to people when they are at their most afraid, most vulnerable. If I worried about my personal safety all the time, no one would actually talk to me. And besides this time I wasn't in the same room with it, DS from every corner of the globe prevented me from entering the room. I could only speak to Arlen by phone". Oh that wife of mine. I know I have scared the crap out of her many times and I guess I need to have faith that she does know how to deal with despots, crazy people and all out danger. It's me who just wants to protect her from harm - but then she wouldn't be the girl I met so long ago. The blonde headed Math genius with the aqua eyes, the long lithe body and impeccable debate skills. She has a very strong moral code. Elizabeth embodies Plato's virtue ethics and she didn't even know what they were. She's courageous, wise, just and even- tempered. Unless she's playing scrabble, or trying to suss out Christmas presents. She's loving, sexy, insecure, strong, healthy- kind, sarcastic and funny. She can't sing or cook, she blushes easily and when she cries it breaks my heart. She can be clumsy. She snores when she's tired, she bites her fingers when she's thinking; and she is the most intelligent and interesting person I have ever met. She's a great mom and a loyal partner. Oh and she's gorgeous. The kind of gorgeous that looks incredible in an evening gown with makeup, but she is adorable and real when her hair is messy, her grin infectious, in a plaid shirt, holey jeans and chucks. When she's relaxed and happy she lights up my universe. She's as geeky and dorky as I am and she loves me more than I thought was humanly possible. She's my champion. She supports my work and my faith. She respects my need to serve and she trusts me. She has demonstrated to me that even if the whole universe thinks she did the right thing- if I am hurt or angry or disappointed- she will do anything to apologize to me. She's brought me flowers, she's washed my car, she even tries to cook for me now and again - if she thinks she's in the doghouse with me or the kids she'll do whatever it takes to fix it. One time she got me in trouble with my mom by revealing something she shouldn't have over dinner. My mom was hurt and she was avoiding me. Elizabeth took on extra shifts at a diner to make enough money to buy my mom a new outfit and send me to Pittsburgh to take her out for dinner. Mom said that a girl like that was one of a kind. She also showed me the letter Elizabeth sent her, where Elizabeth apologized for her lack of judgement in spilling my secret. She told my mom not to punish me for her mistake and she asked my mom what it would take to fix things. Mary- Anne McCord had a wicked sense of humour and she forgave me - but tortured Elizabeth for little bit. She came to visit, stayed with Elizabeth and had my poor girlfriend eating crow for three days. We ended up apologizing to her and the three of us ended up laughing over it.

I decided then that Elizabeth was really was the only woman for me, got scared about what that meant and I left her alone and thinking our relationship was over for almost a week. It was my mom who saved my ass by calling Elizabeth to tell her that I was an idiot man who needed a few days to grow up and to please not give up. This time it was me who needed to step up and I tried. Skywriting was what I came up with and my mom loaned me enough money to get a decent engagement ring. I told my beautiful new fiancée that I would never walk away from her again; and because of my anger about Dmitri Petrov I left my wife in Switzerland where she nearly got blown up by an RPG. Elizabeth confessed that had considered going over to Maria Ostrov as they all left and it was because she chose to call me that she wasn't standing next to the Russian President when the blast happened. "Henry I was going to let you and Conrad gab and I was going to demand a deal for Dmitri even if it meant Conrad was going to filet me." I had to hug her and go for a run. Lose my Elizabeth and get Dmitri back; lose Dmitri and have my wife in one piece. It's a sobering experience. I have to believe that Elizabeth is telling me the truth because she has never twisted my emotions like that before. She isn't a game player when it comes to human emotions. So while I adore her and can't lose her, I need to process how we all failed Dmitri. God Bless her because Elizabeth knows that.

I should never have recruited him. But if wishes were horses than beggars would ride. In the meantime I am going to try and get some sleep because tomorrow I have to teach and on Saturday we are going to try another brunch for the neighbours. Elizabeth will be home this time and I think she's asked Conrad and Lydia to pop in. Stevie has been begged to make quiche again, and she has agreed because she's happy with a new boyfriend. Elizabeth says I'll be read in when Stevie is ready to share. No Blake this time, but Alison and Jason will be here. We'll be the Merry McCords again if it kills us.

FIN. More musings coming soon


	9. Chapter10

Mid Season 3 based on canon plus my own additions to backstory and interpretation of Lori Mcreary and Tea Leoni's depiction of Elizabeth. Not my characters.

Elizabeth - in Togo, Africa.

In 1978 I was 10 years old and I won my class science fair project. Mrs. Charles said I had designed an excellent project, discussing how recycling all of our paper, plastic, metal and glass would help change the world. She loved my report - which took an entire weekend to print and colour (and left me with ink stains on my hands that took 3 days of scrubbing to remove), she loved my idea for getting every family in Charlottesville a 4 box recycling system - including the stores and businesses; and she thought that for a shy kid- I really worked hard to look less at my feet and more at my audience. I felt powerful and accomplished for perhaps the first time in my life. Then when I went home Will asked me if I still needed to keep all my junk out on the craft table because he wanted to build LEGO. My parents asked me to clean up, said I had done enough to get the A, and that my idea for a petition that I would take around to all the stores and to city hall was something above my purview. "The bureaucrats are never going to listen to a little girl preach about recycling" said dad firmly.

I was discouraged and then I realized that everything was closed on Saturday and that the shops were busy. So Monday I cut class and took my project to the mayors office. By 4 pm I was back home, deflated. I was grounded for 3 weeks for skipping school and not having told my parents and teachers what I was doing. The school gave me two weeks of detention for cutting class and the principal said that when girls got big ideas it always lead to trouble. I was humiliated and angry. I knew I had just gone with my big idea and hadn't thought it all out. I accepted that I deserved my punishment but I did not appreciate being shut down by everyone. So I hid the project under my bed and over the next two weeks I helped Mrs. Charles clean the classroom every afternoon. Thankfully she had told the principal that it was help she needed, not a kid sitting in the corner with her nose stuck to the wall. I was grateful, and she told me that I had a gift and that as a girl- I would have to fight harder to be heard. She told me to risk getting into trouble to do the right thing and not let punishment bring me down. She also taught me to expect a hard life fighting to excel at math and science. She loaned me some books about these favourite subjects of mine and when my time was served- I dove headlong into my passions. I was more careful; and I did my best to keep my projects from overtaking my daily work. I maintained my good grades, I was braver about speaking up- respectfully, and whenever I could I spent time with Mrs. Charles. I noticed that she called me Elizabeth and not Lizzie. I asked her why and she said that I had a beautiful important name and I should get used to hearing it. I asked her what her name was and she laughed. It was Jasonne. I asked if that was a girls name and she laughed and told me that it did not matter. That it was her father's wish to give his girls strong names. In her day that meant getting a boy's name. I was suitably impressed and I remember thinking that this woman was like Mary Tyler Moore and she had spunk. In 1978 people didn't always like spunk; and that is what Mrs. Charles meant about spending a lot of time in the doghouse. I adored her; so a few years later when she was retiring I dressed up and went to the party. I was 13 at that time and I wanted to pay my respects. I was at a junior high and not with her. She was delighted to see me, she took my hybrid plant of mixed Coleus and said she would treasure her time with me always. She asked how I was doing and I said that when I got into trouble it was because people wanted to shush me. She gave me a hug and told me to be relentless. She warned me that a career in the male fields would be fraught with frustration and let downs, but that meant I need to be tenacious and dogged and to never stay down. "Always rise Elizabeth Adams and always learn about subjects outside math and science because knowldege of many things gives you power."

So I followed her advice, and over the years despite some crushing blows- I found solace and elegance in being called a nerd and a geek. There were days though, when I thought I signed up for lifetime of trouble. Professors who thought that a blue eyed leggy blonde had cheated. That was stressful. When I made a mistake, there was a class full of young frat boys eager to rub my nose in it. When I went for extra help in a thorny calculus unit- the female prof asked me if I was in the right program and then found me a tutor that charged 50 dollars an hour. I ate ramen noodles for six weeks to pay that guy. One time when working at the blackboard, I did not realize my underwear was poking out of my jeans because my shirt had come untucked. That prof came over and grabbed the waistband and gave me a wedgie in front of the whole class. He said if I wanted to show off my underwear he would make sure it showed. I was mortified and angry but it was the 80's and I had already spoken to the dean about this prof. I knew there was no support and I needed this class. However, I found some men and women who thought I had something to say; and I became enamoured with philosophy, political science and history. I remember how Henry was the one man who heard that I was a math major and didn't belittle it. He also still saw me as a full woman. When he told me he wasn't going to call me Lizzie because I had a beautiful and important name - I was breathless. I told him about Mrs. Jasonne Charles and Henry said that our future kids deserved names like that. Beautiful and important. Henry McCord is a man who gets it. We complement one another, we laugh with one another and when we disagree we are loud and passionate and object about information and ideas. We don't humiliate one another, at least not on purpose. If we hurt one another we apologize and give the another the necessary grace to solve the problem.

Henry loves my skills, he loves me. He sees a woman who is juggling constantly, and he doesn't ever offer to make my juggling easier or tell me I can't do it. What he does is encourage, listen to my tears when I drop one of the balls, and suggest how I can recharge myself so the next time I am mixing metaphors and dropping balls and stepping into the line of fire- I feel equipped. I hopefully do the same for him. My husband is happy when I succeed and I know Mrs. Charles would approve.

So now- decades later, I am in Africa as the Secretary of State. I am here as a role model to these girls as the ultimate woman because I am a Dr of Political Theory, with expertise in Math. I am also married and a mother. I am a tomboy who enjoys getting cleaned up. So I am using my voice to give them theirs. It's an honour, it's humbling and I remember what Mrs Charles said in a letter to me before she died. She knew I was married and a mom who worked for the CIA and that my parents had been killed. She told me that I was changing the world and my legacy wasn't over. She told me she was proud of me for being that weirdo who loved math and science. I never found the cure for cancer, and I cried at her funeral. Not long after that I found out I was having another baby and Henry promised me that girl or boy- we would name it Jason or Jasonne. I adore Henry. Jason is not amused that he was named after a girl, and I find that ironic- considering how masculine a name Jason is. My son is a pistol in his own way and he does have a lot of spunk. He spends a lot of time in the doghouse and one day - when he is ready to listen, I will tell him what it is like to be the odd duck in the room. I have tried, but my son isn't ready to be my friend yet. Hopefully, I will be still be here in his adult years- and he will have some troublemakers of his own. I say hopefully only because my job is dangerous. I get reminded of that every now and again. I don't talk about it much because I have been close to dying a few times; and Henry worries. I don't want to scare my husband or my kids. Truth be told, I want to be here for my family until I am too old to function. At 50 I feel like I am just getting started.

I hope my parents would be proud of me. I know they loved me and that they ultimately wanted what was best. I know they would approve of the marriage and the kids. But what of my studies? My career, and the amount of times I have sweated through my suit on my way to potentially be fired or arrested? I shudder sometimes because I can only imagine what they would think of those days. I hope they are somewhere beautiful where we can all find one another one day and I can explain my choices. My geeky, difficult choices. I wish I had been able to talk to them about my studies and my fears. I wish Dad had been able to walk me down the aisle and that Mom had been able to help me figure out how to keep my shirts tucked in. I am 50 years old and I can't do it. I think I am just tall and need longer shirt tails. I have a daughter who wants to design clothing. I know I am proud of her and I know when my kids mess up I still love them. I am proud of their characters - and their desire to grow up and matter. I am proud of the process and maybe therein lies the answer for me. Despite it all my parents knew my heart, like I know the hearts of my children. I think Mom and Dad know that I am happiest when I am In a mess and working to solve it. That's Elizabeth Adams. In too deep, with inky hands and sweaty everything, wild eyed, over caffeinated and ready to take a really big shot. Scared and doing it anyway and ready to accept the consequences of her failures even if they make her cry. I am working on loving her - because Henry and the kids do. I should stop thinking that I am not enough. Elizabeth was a little girl with a big name. I think I have grown into it. Mrs Charles saw it, Henry sees it and maybe now I do too. I am grateful to Mrs. Charles and to other women who paved the way. That I might be one of those women to other girls is an opportunity I didn't even know I wanted. It's challenging, it's terrifying and it's amazing. I am a very blessed person. Oh do I miss my strict but loving parents. I think my mom had a lot to give - but in that time and that place she wasn't comfortable enough to be a troublemaker and I know my dad would have needed a little more time to acclimate to the idea of a woman in a position of power. I have considered that we might have really grated on one another and maybe- maybe we would have had problems if he had lived. I know Patrick McCord could not accept that I was not a housewife, that I travelled and that I wasn't a wall flower to Henry's way of thinking. But Patrick grew to like me, and I imagine and hope that my father would have been someone who wanted me to dare and to dream.

Well, I have a stiff hand, smeared with ink, and if I don't get some sleep it will be difficult to trick Chen into thinking he decided investing in the Togolese on his own. Part of diplomacy is realising when I have to use my eyelashes and my charm to get men to listen. It burns actually. But humans are slow to change and I am the fourth female Secretary of State. I have made history. I in no way feel done. I have strong women around me and also men who have evolved. We'll have arrived when it's OK to be female and male and be judged solely for our actions and not for the shock value that still occurs when a strong woman gets something done.

FIN of this entry


	10. Chapter10 (01-19 11:06:46)

Another Installment, this one about the middle

of Season 2. Giving up Dmitri and the toll on the McCords marriage. Hope you like it. Please review! Even if you hate it. I learn from Reader Interactions

Watch an old Msec or Tea Leoni something tonight. I will be watching You Kill Me.

Brenda

...

Elizabeth

It's been a hell of a week. Maybe it's been 8 days, at this point I am so tired and overstimulated that I doubt I will ever forget this period in my life.

I helped prevent Nuclear war with Russia, I helped save a few astronauts from certain death on the Space Station, my daughter Alison needed me to work at the Winter Fair for her school,and my husband of 26 years is angry at me and disappointed in me. That one hurts inside because I make it my life mission not to disappoint the best person I know. I own my choices, and while I was between a rock and a hard place and could easily have been fired for insubordination if I fought harder; the truth is that I put the greater good ahead of my husband and gave up on Dmitri Petrov. Maria Ostrov was a bitch. We needed a peace deal. Millions of lives were at stake. Conrad pressures me into backing him, and in that minute I knew what I had to do. Maybe I should have refused. I could be back on the farm, or maybe in jail next to Juliet. At least my husband would be proud of me. I admit it, that is important to me. Having to look him in the eye and hurt him - I would rather take a beating. Henry McCord is gentle and forgiving; and honestly I don't earn nearly enough grace to pay back what I receive. He explained to me a long time ago that grace doesn't work like that. It's unconditional and freely given. I hope I never take advantage of that. God - whoever that is, knows I am one flawed human. What if I have done the one thing I cannot be forgiven for? What ifHenry resents me for the rest of our days? I don't know how I will bear that; but just as we asked Salnikov to honour the living Russians by not forgetting all of the wars we have fought, we must also carry and live with the schrapnel that comes from leading and sending good people to fight big battles. I know we all struggle with that idea in this administration. Conrad did not want to hurt Dmitri. But he did, and I am going to say this once. It would have been nice if he had been the one to tell Henry. My husband might hate me just a little less. Henry has only walked out on me twice. The first time was because he was 26 and afraid to get married. I was gutted and he has more than made up for that. Today he said he needed time to think about things and if he stayed with me he would say harsh and unforgiveable things. He threw his belongings into his suitcase and went to Jane Fellows. I cried buckets. I don't know how to function without Henry at my side. He was there from the moment I started college. He loved me as a skinny, freckled, messy haired messed up freshman. I was quiet, and so introverted and awkward I cringe when I remember the girl with no parents. The one who lived for horses and math. Henry taught me how to trust in myself and to fall in love. He was so handsome he took my breath away. He was gentle and sweet. He listened, and he made me feel safe and beautiful. I don't want lawyers. I want to trade places with Dmitri Petrov. I think I could endure anything if I knew for sure that my husband wasn't disgusted with me. The last time I saw this face was when I tried to get him to give an A to Olga Gorev; and years ago when I was willing to go to Baghdad and leave my family. I know when I go too far. He loves me; but right now he's not here. I know he would never cheat on me- as much as my insecurities will let me believe that. Jane is beautiful and savvy and tough. She's also someone he respects and she exasperates Henry. But she's a sexy operative who didn't just disappoint him. I know he's just talking to her as a buddy, and he's taking a commercial flight home. He won't even fly on the same plane with Conrad and me. I have to believe that in a couple of days we can hash this out at home. With Ice Cream and popcorn and scotch. I need to go for a run. I don't care that it's 2 am and freezing.

Conrad

Oh boy does this scotch sit heavy in my hand tonight. Today I gave a valuable asset up to his death. It won't be an easy one. He'll be tortured first and that's all on me. I put Bess in an impossible position and I know she has my back but that's still asking a lot. I know she sees me as a mentor, a bit of a big brother, perhaps even a touch of a father. I have asked that woman to do impossible things and she always does them. The few times she hasn't done what I expected she's accepted her lumps. I spoke with Henry tonight and I tried to tell him that Bess did not agree with what I did. Henry sees clearly so much of the time; so when I use his wife to gut him he feels doubly betrayed. I heard he left and I should go check on Elizabeth- but I fear she might resign. Then again she's equally likely to kick me tonight. Hell i thought Henry was going to punch me. Maria Ostrov was ready to make a big move though. It's one man. But I will be haunted for a long time to come. Lydia is not at work with me. She always had her own life, separate from mine and when I am home with her- I rarely have to facethe-consequences of my work life. For Bess it's different. Henry is such a unique talent the government and IC needs him. I know this strains the McCords' marriage and I regret that. At least they can speak about the important issues. I know it wasn't all that long ago that Elizabeth was facing charges of breaching the espionage act and I was not aware that Russell had gone to her and said that I couldn't protect her. She wouldn't let Henry fall on her behalf though. She'd have gone to jail to protect his integrity and I can only imagine that tonight she is trying to come up with a way to get Dmitri back. I know if Elizabeth is in trouble, Henry McCord will be an attack force. I saw that with Iran, I saw it in his utter frustration about the Espionage Act. He tried to take the fall for her, and she couldn't let him do it. Those two are beautiful. Their love for one another, their desire to serve and their passion to protect their country is amazing to behold. However there are always some rough edges, some snags, and I fear today that I have alienated Henry and really harmed Elizabeth. I asked her to think outside the box- but today I made her stand in one.

Henry

Thank God she's all right. I am absolutely furious with her and Conrad but that RPG was too close for comfort. I adore her, and I left her and while I can't go back to get her right now; hearing on the news what happened made my stomach drop. I can usually see my way to forgiveness pretty quickly. She's almost always the missing piece to my soul. She's my everything. But right now there is a disconnect. I know she never intended to give that boy up. I know she slept as well as I did last night. I know she's hurting today and it's not lost on me that Conrad made this decision. I am flawed too. I am just angry and I cannot lie and say that it is fine. But we'll get through it. I just have to try and save Talia. Dmitri would want that. I know that Elizabeth has a bit of jealousy over my friendship with Jane. Jane and I have discussed it. Jane is concerned she'll end up losing her career because of a whim. That I know won't happen. My wife isn't like that. But we are all human and flawed. Sometimes rash decisions are made. Whenever I feel like this the person I talk to is my soul mate. We have that school carnival in a couple of days. Let's cool off and then talk. I am very grateful that Elizabeth is not injured. I do wonder though, if Dmitri was given up for nothing.

Alison

Mom and Dad have been weird. They are fighting. I hate it when they fight because it doesn't happen much. I can remember maybe two times it was this big cloud of rain over the whole family. We get that they bicker and say things- yes. That's a few times a week. Mom burns dinner; or calls Earl. Dad gets offended, or he just misses her. One of them would forget to get milk, or they would both be grading papers and we kids would get hungry and they would have to order pizza because no one thawed out the pork chops. Expensive car repairs. Vacations where we all get sick, like that road trip to Florida in like, 2006. Normal family stuff and then like 10 minutes later they are making out in the kitchen and Stevie, Jase and I are grossed out. But this time I can tell that Dad is hurt and Mom feels horrible. If they break up it will be her fault! She left dad home a lot with us when she was in the CIA. Maybe she had an affair or maybe she did something wrong. Stevie thought dad had an affair last year. We all know she almost went to jail last year. Dad says they are fine, Mom says they are fine No one tells kids anything but we know way more than they think. I guess I don't really want to blame Mom or Dad. I am probably just mad because they were acting weird at school. But Dad did stay for a few extra hours and Dean Ward likes him. I know she hates my mom. Mom gets along with almost everyone, but her and Dean Ward clash. I secretly think they both want to have a fight; but they can't because it would ruin both of their reputations forever. I talked to Jason about it and he says Mom could take Felicia to the mat. I heard though, that Dean Ward once knocked out a parent who was disrespectful. Urban legends. But I am a peer mediator and maybe I can talk to them.

I ambushed Mom in the bathroom. I helped her do her makeup for work and find a blouse she wasn't sick of. Mom said Dad was hurt because of something classified that she and Uncle Conrad had to do. She said Dad found out a bit about it and disagreed. I know Mom almost got blown up. That's not classified though. I know Dad hates it that she's in danger sometimes. We all do. That happens a lot since she became the Secretary. She admits that this job is way more challenging that she ever imagined. But she's not a quitter and most of the time she feels like she has an opportunity she never thought possible. That it makes the world safer for us kids. It's complicated because I love her and I want her to love me and be proud of me. I know she does. I know she is and I know that I felt invisible for a while when she had no idea how into fashion and makeup I am. I get that I am different from her. She's a math major and she doesn't care a lot about clothes. She wants to do the right thing all the time- and it's not so easy when you are getting pressure from all sides. I care about friends, looking good and all the stuff I know she thinks is superficial. But I guess all girls clash with their moms sometimes.

Except my mom. My grandma died young and my mom was an orphan. We forget that sometimes. Mom hardly ever says anything about it, but when my mom has a death scare, we all feel scared. Moms are supposed to be there forever.

Jason

Dad knows I am blaming mom for their fight and he came and talked to me. He asked me to just remember that Mom loves us and she's still the same lady she was before we came to DC. It was weird because he started saying all these nice things about her and then his face looked sad and as soon as he heard her come in and he asked her to go for a walk. God, I bet they come home and go make out. I know I wasn't hatched from an egg but watching your parents grope each other is just wrong. I was going to go downstairs and play video games but no way. If I ever have kids I won't torture them like that.

Elizabeth

Henry still loves me! I can breathe when I think about our walk tonight. Henry actually made a joke at my expense and teased me about my love of popcorn. I'll take it. So for now we don't need lawyers and he still loves me. I can work with that. I will gain his trust and respect again. Ultimately I did side with Conrad and that means consequences for me and my marriage. Henry has also accepted that he entered the IC while I am the Secretary and he did take on Dmitri as an asset. He got close. He cares about Talia too and he hasn't completely compartmetalized the situation. This one is hard for us. They say every marriage hits a rough patch. One that's different from all the others. One that snuffs out love and commitment and feeds off of pride, resentment. I know a lot of couples split up but

I won't let that happen. I just have to have the courage to let this problem run it's course, and keep us talking. I can do that. I do awkward and uncomfortable at work all the time. Henry and I have vowed to never let anything keep us apart. We survived his deployment, we survived my time at CIA and that whole debacle with the Baghdad station Chief position. We survived moving to DC and the fact that Henry is now, ironically, working in Intelligence. I love him with every fibre of my soul. I know he loves me in the same way. We have just hit a really thorny passage. We might need some help. I will see if he wants to get couples counseling. It might be really hokey; but I can't have us lose everything. Pride be damned.

Fin for today. Hope you liked it. Reviews mean a lot. Happy Sunday.


	11. Chapter11

-season 4 episode 2 inspired. Hope you like it.

Elizabeth

Ayah Asnani. That's the name of the little girl my motorcade hit. She's younger than Jason. It's my responsibility because we went to Libya on my directive. No one wanted me to come here. Conrad and Russell are worried, Ted is unimpressed and Henry is concerned this will be like Iran. I don't like to worry my loved ones, my colleagues, my friends- but this is the job sometimes. I have been at it a few years now and I think one of the reasons Conrad wanted me was my ability to work with the Middle East. Russell once told me I had brass balls. If that is some sort of code for being able to stand in front of the patriarchy and argue for what's right and what's needed; then I suppose it is a compliment. I just don't want to put up with anyone's BS when it comes to saving lives. I think Jay and Nadine understand.

As a mom and a human, I yearned to pick that little girl up and take her to a hospital but DS says I am the valuable one, that I could be shot or taken hostage. When I spoke to Henry that was what his point was as well. He asked me to be careful, and wanted to know if I was hurt. Thankfully he understood why I was upset and he offered to pray for Ayah. I banged my knee, but that's nothing. I wonder if perhaps I shouldn't have called home, but I needed my husband and his support. This little girl was hurt by my motorcade and she has a family. If someone ran over one of my kids... We came close once with Alison. She darted into traffic one afternoon while I was fighting with Jason's stroller and the sound of screeching brakes was enough to rattle me for a long time. She was scared and started to cry, and I took her in my arms and sobbed my heart out. That was thirteen years ago and I still tear up when I think about it. Children are precious and life is fragile. Every time the kids or Henry are hurt- I feel so helpless. I think about Will being alone with Mom and Dad when it happened. Losing the people that I love- that's my kryptonite. I doubt I am alone in feeling this way. Human psychology being what it is- we bond with those we love with and know intimately. My circle has grown exponentially with this job. I feel responsible for so many of the world's children. We rammed into this child, just going home at night. Well, this little girl isn't going to be left to die. Henry is worried about me. He pointed out that I am a valuable target, and that I was just in a car accident. I love his concern, because it never even occurred to me that we could be hurt. I did bang my knee a little- and Russell had a bird because Ted told him I got out of the car. So I was scolded by all the men in my life and I will behave myself until the next time. I figure if I am not getting into trouble than perhaps I am not doing my job properly. What I haven't yet figured out is if it is because I am a woman; or because I am a creative thinker. It's likely both. I have spoken to Henry about it and he says that I am atypical with a desire to help people beyond my boundaries. That I was born this way, raised this way and became this way because of what happened to my parents- and what occurred afterwards. No therapy, just boarding school and a lot of pressure to grow up. I was always close to the vest and this all made me curl into myself. I coped by being a good student, a responsible big sister and a service minded person. Henry points out that I never had anyone to keep me safe during the years when I needed it the most; and that my time at CIA compounded the need to be fearless, to take a risk to help save the greater good. He has this propensity as well; and so we both essentially forget that we are mortal and scare the crap out of our loved ones. I laughed at his turn of phrase. Henry is brilliant and he's almost always correct in his theories. He admittted to me that as feminist as he is; he does have a desire to protect me and that when he takes a risk it's fine- but if I take one, he worries. He told me that over the years Russell, Conrad and others have mentioned my "brass balls" and he is normally very proud of me. "Just be careful " because he adores me, and I promise to do my best. I understand this because I feel the same way about him. I am his and he is mine. We've been one soul for about thirty years now- and neither of us wants this to change. Nadine said there is a good bottle of whiskey in her room, and with Ted's permission- we are going to get a wee bit shit faced. Nadine's words. I enjoy her company- she's had an interesting life. We both had a rough day, and Nadine says Ted is afraid of her. I believe it. My first few weeks on the job I knew she hated me. It took solving the mystery around Marsh's death and me not having her charged that garnered her respect. She grew fond of me and my family that first year. My impression was that she was an incredible woman who had her heart broken by a flawed man. It's good to have a work friend. We spend a lot of time together and we need to get along. I do long for Isabelle and Juliet. I rarely speak about it, but it is lonely being this busy woman. I have Henry and the kids- but sometimes I really want to talk about Henry and the kids. I certainly can't cosy up to Russell and whine about dirty socks, axe body spray, and corns. I went for a pedicure last month with Alison and she told me my feet were gross. Of course they are. I live in heels, and Blake hates it when I kick them off and go barefoot. I did not have time to shave my legs last week and when I tried to wear a skirt on Thursday Jason asked me if Sasquatch was the new fashion. I love my son and his wit, but that was embarrassing. Henry tried to help but he failed miserably. "If your mom isn't shaving we need to respect that." I pulled pants out of the laundry, Febrezed them and hoped for the best. I am not going to tell that to my chief of staff, but I need someone to share the lighter side of everyday mom life with.

Jareth

Nantucket mist is an interesting name for a paint colour. Not sure that the apartment needed it- especially since it caused a huge fight between Stephanie and me. I did come across as overbearing and I did accuse her mom of running a dynasty. Perhaps Stevie and I have issues we need to

discuss. I feel as though we are fighting more often than we are relating as a couple. I resent her job- I am a wee bit jealous that she is giving up law school for this intern position; and that her family seems supportive of it all. I know she has a close family and perhaps it is this that I find the most difficult. My parents love me conditionally it seems. It's all about the title and the prestige. They dislike the forthright and blunt Americans. Stephanie does things her way. She speaks her mind, shows her affections and expresses herself. We Brits don't like this information sharing much. In wealthy families we discuss boring ideas and rely on customs and discipline to guide us. I am torn because I am attracted to Stephanie and I like her family. I worry that I am a wet dishrag- unsure of my place in America as a disinherited physics fellow who hangs on to America's most popular family. I read the press. Internationally Elizabeth McCord is well liked and well known; yet to many old school diplomats she is seen as a woman who does not know her place. She argues with powerful men, she is beautiful yet brutal. Kind and vulnerable where she should be more concerned about her looks. Stevie tells me her mum is in Libya negotiating peace amongst warring factions. I am to keep quiet about this of course, yet I consider the situation to be unsafe and I wonder if my fiancée has such desires for her future. I am still old fashioned for some things- and my wife should be the one to raise the children. I am meant to support them- but as soon as they are in school - Stevie can certainly pursue a nice sensible career. I understand my views are outmoded and in fact I am trying to adapt. The fact that Stevie works at the epicentre of the world makes me proud, and she's experienced some dangerous situations. She is beautiful and the McCords have been nothing but kind to me. Am I evolved enough to be in their family? I did rather enjoy learning about American Football. The little brother is fascinating- if I were to go against my parents at his age I would have been caned frequently; and sent off to a proper school. Henry McCord is widely known in religious and philosophical circles in Europe - he is a scholar that my father would respect. My cousin Pippa would absolutely adore the middle girl- Alison and they could delight in fashion, gossip and the shops.

Well I suppose the only proper thing to do is to finish painting the flat and to apologize to my fiancée and hope that this row is one we can put in our past.

Dmitri

Talia is right. I put her in a dangerous position sending her out to purchase narcotics for me. And I am deceiving Dr McCord- he is a good man. He and his wife Elizabeth secured my freedom. I need to get help. I am blowing my opportunity to work in Intelligence. I cannot go back to hiding in Arizona as Alex Marenov. At least this version of Marenov is in DC. He has a chance to do something valuable. I must do as Talia says. I must confess to Henry that I have a problem. He can help me and then when I am well I can repay him and the Unites States for saving my life. I do like Mrs. McCord- Elizabeth. She is strong and kind. She is the one who learned I was being held in the gulag and it was her dedication to get me back because she did not wish to sacrifice me in the first place. She fought with the President. She thanked me for the work I did to stop Maria Ostrov from starting another World War. We spoke at length on the plane. Her eyes see through to your soul. She knew it was wrong to leave me to be captured, to give me up. She believed I was dead. As she told her story on the ride home from Vartius - home. America is my home- but The Mrs Secretary of State- she surprised even her husband as she explained what had happened between her and Minister Avdonin. How she felt compelled to make it right. Her husband had tears in his eyes and at one point when they thought I was asleep he took her hands and told her he was blown away. She brushed aside his tears and kissed him. He told her he had a connection to me he couldn't explain. She said that was only a part of her decision to find out if I was alive. She said I was brave and deserving and young. She said it had been eating at her from the moment she knew I was in trouble. I guess he hadn't known that because he hugged her tightly and told her he was a lucky man; and that he was very proud of her. He apologized for things I didn't understand. She was crying too and there was no way I was opening my eyes and getting involved in whatever that was. It felt nice, to hear them talking - and I pretended I was a small boy listening to my parents talking about adult things when Talia and I were supposed to be asleep. I know the McCords have children. These children are lucky. Dr McCord would talk about them at the War college and he had pictures in his office. I am a little older than his oldest daughter. She looks very beautiful.

I hope this addiction of mine won't cause Henry to hate me. I don't know how to fix this- but I cannot blow this opportunity. I feel useful again and I am alive, with Talia - who is cured, and we are in America.

Henry

It has been a very long week and I can't sleep. So I'll journal a bit. Elizabeth, thankfully, came home from Libya in one piece with another adventure under her belt. My wife has a very big heart and she is effective at getting people to listen to her because she's crazy enough to do things that should terrify most people. After promising me that she would be careful, she ended up on the Medivac chopper that was crossing through a no fly zone. Her reasoning? To prove to the Asnani's that if she could take the risk then the parents could too. No one would shoot down the Secretary of State right? As soon as she said it she saw my face, and sighed. She admitted that sometimes she can be impulsive. "Henry they weren't going to get on the chopper. You would have done the same thing!" I told her that as long as God had Elizabeth McCord on his side the world would be just fine. I might have a heart attack, but other peoples children would be fine. Her voice got gravelly as she assured me that Ted had tattled to the White House and Conrad was so furious he told her to wait until Monday morning to come in. That made me chuckle; until I remembered that my ass was about to get handed to me over Dmitri. She was concerned- and my heart nearly burst as she took my hands and kissed them. Her advice? Listen, look really sorry and own your choice, take your medicine, offer a solution. Then she pointedly asked me if we should start painting right away, to get the first coat on. I nodded, and was about to leave the room when she called my name. She had slumped down on the bench by the bed and was crying. I pulled her into my arms worriedly. She started rambling. How is it that she of all people, is the Secretary of State? How is it that she served as acting President for a day? How is it that everyone thinks she is fearless when she's scared out of her mind every time some despot gets in her face and threatens her and America. She was a well behaved kid who now gets scolded by POTUS on a weekly basis. She neglects me, the kids, the housework, her friends - not that she has any because they are all dead or in jail- and that she needs a confidante. Something about girl talk with Nadine and good whiskey. I just held her and rubbed her back. When she was done I tucked her hair behind her ears and kissed her forehead. I reminded her that she was courageous as hell for getting up every morning and doing what she did. I admitted that it wasn't easy watching her work so hard, and risk so much and that we all were guilty of thinking she could handle anything as long as she was laughing. I confessed to keeping in touch with Blake and Nadine when she was working long hours. Her blotchy face lit up at that- she was touched because I still check up on her. I also assured her that she neglected us as much as every working mother did. I reminded her that the kids were adults now, and that she was valued and loved. Her job was sometimes too much; but we had already hashed through the worst of it. We didn't have a lot of time for friends and fun; but we did spend most Sundays together as a family. Her eyes looked hopeful as I reminded her that Stevie was at the White House and engaged. Alison had chosen Bayard on her own and was happy. Jason was driving, dating and doing well in school. So her job wasn't perfect- but she was managing just fine. She sniffed and lay against me. I cuddled her and it occurred to me there was something she needed to hear- something I had never told her. I pulled her into my lap and made eye contact. No one could actually speak for Ben and Suzanne Adams; but if they were the wonderful people she and Will adored so much- then they would be very proud of how she turned out. I saw a switch flip inside of her then- as if this had been what she wanted to know. A missing puzzle piece to complete Elizabeth.Her voice was husky as she asked if I was sure. I told my wife that anyone who couldn't see how well she navigated her way through life and how much good she accomplished would have to be crazy. I was pretty sure that the Adams family wasn't crazy. She picked at some imaginary lint on my shirt, and smiled softly. She kissed me deeply, and hopped up- energized once more. She began changing into old clothes and told me that we had to get moving if wanted to get the first coat of paint on the wall.

As we got to work, the conversation flowed. We have done housework and repairs together for about 30 years and we move like we are one person. Elizabeth insisted that she wanted to hear about my week, so I shared my struggles with Dmitri and we both commiserated over the fact that we were both going to be in trouble come Monday morning. Elizabeth was only half joking when she said that we got yelled at more in these high powered jobs than we ever did as kids. Just then Stevie walked in, and she thanked us for the paint. She looked sad, but to be honest that's when Elizabeth began throwing shade on my painting skills. I did what any loving husband would do in this situation and I painted her nose. My wife is sexy as hell when she's in old clothes. She's adorable in glasses and no makeup; and I am so in love with her it still hurts to breathe sometimes. After such a crazy week, we needed to be silly; and Elizabeth did not disappoint. She gleefully attacked my shirt. We did that for about five minutes and suddenly she was in my arms, and I was kissing her like my life depended on it. She responded with the same urgency and we soon found ourselves in the shower - making out like newlyweds under 25. We had to stop when the hot water ran out. We may not be those newlyweds anymore, but shower sex seems to be keeping us young. I miss her when she's gone; I miss us when we are busy, because we have the most amazing love for one another.

So she has finally passed out and she's definitely feeling better. I am exhausted but I could not sleep. Writing though helps me get my feelings off of my chest. I think now- I can. I share my life with the incredible woman in this bed. I am truly blessed.

Fin for this entry


	12. Chapter12

Hi all. This is inspired by Right and Left of the boom. Season 2. It's what the characters are journaling and thinking, to round out what we see.

I hope you enjoy it and please review. It means the world to me.

Alison

I know my parents are angry at me and disappointed too. They didn't even really punish me. Not like they should have. They took my phone away because I let someone cyber bully in my name. Dad gave it back to me practically right away though. He wanted me to have it at the conference for security purposes. Turns out even when my parents are angry and disappointed they are also still loving and forgiving and understanding. They want me to be brave and strong and complex, like they are because life is complex and they are proud of me and most of who I am and what I stand for. Mom came and spoke with me before school today. She was worried about me last night, and she said that being 16 is a hard age. Everyone talks about how we are practically adults, and that we are driving and in junior year- it turns out we are still kids in so many ways. She reminded me that when she was my age she was newly orphaned and in boarding school and she made some poor choices. They had consequences back then, she smiled at me, and it turns out she disappointed herself a few times between ages 15 and today. I was shocked at that. I asked her how she disappoints her adult self and she hugged me tightly and rubbed my back. She admitted that life is nothing but choices and we cannot be afraid to make them, but that we always have consequences. Even if they are nice ones- like having a baby when you work for the CIA, or getting praised by the president. But that even with the good comes the hard stuff- like falling behind at work because you had a baby, and all the haters that sharpen their claws when the President praises you. Wisdom comes with being able to live with both sets of consequences and still owning your choice. Punishment happens for us kids when we need an active reminder that some choices hurt a lot of people and shouldn't be repeated. She reminded me how horrible she felt when she learned she had been so out of touch with me and my love of fashion and art. She told me she's still not forgiven herself for that, and she likely never will. I hugged her and said that she more than made up for it over the last while, but she had tears in her eyes when she said that I wouldn't understand until I disappointed my own child.

So tomorrow I am going to hear some cool women speak at at women and girls conference, that she's hosting and that her team put together, and because of what the White House needs- she isn't allowed to be there. I can't imagine what it would be like if someone threw acid at my face. I am nowhere near as brave as Noor. Mom says that she isn't as brave as Noor's mom either. If it happened to me Mom wouldn't want to let me out of her sight. I forget how normal of a mama bear she can be. She is gone so much and she's always so professional now. But I remember her when I think about it. Like at Christmas when we decorate the tree. She loves Christmas music and she wants us to take pictures in matching pajamas. She built Lego with all of us when we were little and when our dog Lady got sprayed by a skunk mom just got out the tomato juice and cursed the whole time we had to wash Lady. Then she saw the mess in the bathroom and she cried. She let us eat ice cream for dinner that night. She helps us study for tests, she doesn't like strange noises in the middle of the night, and she always gets laffy strong for our birthdays. But this conference is big and she's really disappointed that she isn't allowed to be there. Sometimes she hates her job. I heard her and Dad talking the other day. Mom wanted to know if she was present enough for us kids - and she listed a million things that she missed about us and being home like when she was on a desk at Langley and as a prof. Dad has this really calm voice he uses when Mom is upset and it always settles everyone in the family. Mom noticed that. She thanked him for doing all the extra parenting stuff and she told him she was grateful. Then they started kissing and I went back into my room. I guess it's good they love each other and it's romantic. Stevie says it's better than having them yell all the time and getting divorced. I still have some growing up to do. Since I got my phone back, they grounded me for a week- except for this conference - and they want me to write an essay about how people who stand back and don't fight bullying are just as guilty as the actual bullies. No kid likes to be punished at all but I guess if I learn something and I earn their respect back it's worth it. I apologized too. In person, and I am going to tell the other girls that what we did wasn't acceptable. Dad thought that was brave and he said he was proud of me because I thought of that myself. Stevie said I should've remembered that in the first place, but she remembers being my age and messing up. Jason was a sarcastic tool. He still doesn't really get it. Later that night Mom found out what I did and she came and laid down next to me. She told me a story about her childhood and she rarely does that. It makes her sad when she thinks about her parents. She's working on that. She was the new kid at Houghton Hall and really scared. Some of the girls hated her because she was new and pretty. Some of the boys thought they could outperform her because she was a girl from the sticks of Charlottesville. She didn't know who to trust and the only thing that made sense was her schoolwork. Then the pranks started. Someone put paint in her shampoo bottle. Someone else planted test answers in her book and she had to take a zero on an exam. With time, and her crying on the roof of one of the dorms- she found a friend and where there was one friend, came a few more. I could hear the tears in her voice as she spoke and I rolled over and started rubbing her cheek. I was crying too. I assured her I could never do that to anyone and she sounded pretty sure when she said she knew that. But mean girl crap can turn into something evil really quickly and we never know what someone is going through. She didn't want everyone to know she was an orphan. She hated that she was pretty. She actually went and got a haircut and stopped caring about her appearance for a while. That didn't work because then she was teased for being "fat and ugly and full of zits". I apologized for those kids. I apologized for even thinking those kind of kids were cool. She kissed me and I saw her beautiful eyes. I told her I hope I would have been her friend and she smiled at me. She loved Lacrosse like I loved soccer. She was big on fairness and knew little about fashion. I told her I would have helped her to look amazing and feel comfortable in her own skin. We fell asleep talking and crying and Dad came to find Mom at about 530 am. On a Saturday. He said Russell was on the phone. He looked worriedly at both of us. We had sleep and tear tracks on our faces, but we hugged him and Mom said she knew I was turning out all right. That made me feel good. I think Mom and Stevie and I are going to be good friends once we've all grown up and she's done working 100 hours a day.

Jay

The look on Msec's face as she brainstorms is priceless. Her mind places pieces together like something out of that movie Minority Report. She grabs facts from all parts of the story and systematically organizes them while she processes. It took her a minute to realize that the conference was a target for a bomb and she ordered it cleared. I know she was immediately worried about her family- all of whom were front and center for Noor El-Khatib's talk. I have never seen her eyes go wild with fear before and as the tv screen went blank and she knew that a dirty bomb had gone off - she was torn. She wanted to go find her husband and her kids. She was horrified that she had just watched them all get blown away. If she were anyone other than Elizabeth McCord she might well have screamed or gone crazy. Maybe even passed out. But my boss-Just a horrified look, a deep swallow and a slight keening to her voice as she remembered that America was her family too, and that she had taken an oath to be the most professional diplomat on Earth, no matter what she herself had to endure. If Abby and Chloe were at that conference I might well have jumped out a window to get there faster. No one had better accuse her of being cold and uncaring. You can see that her body is trembling. She however is disciplined and she'll freak out when she's alone and this is over. I can sense that about her. Grace under pressure. It's admirable.

Blake

I had sweated through my shirt and for once I didn't really care. The SUV had been speeding through DC and all MSec and I couled do was try and reach any of the McCords. I had never seen her look so horrified before and I can't even fathom what it must have been like to be a wife and a mother to a family that may have died in a radiation bomb blast at a conference she sent them too. God if she had lost any of them... Jason finally picked up and I swear her blood pressure dropped when she heard that all three of children were alive and well. If she had been able too, I suppose she might have cried. Dr. McCord was a concern though. Those two people are the most courageous and service minded individuals DC has ever seen. He went back in to help and now is possibly dying of radiation poisoning. Still my boss is in the situation room working on catching who did this before they can harm anyone else. I have never been more inspired and I don't think Professor McCord will ever understand what his wife went through today.

Russell

I misjudged this woman. This blonde headed supermodel that Conrad was fawning all over two years ago. All I saw was a non politician who lived on a horse farm who was a professor at UVA with 3 kids and a lack of fashion sense, a lack of malice and who was very much what Americans call a soccer mom. I looked up her records at CIA and agreed that she was once a brilliant operative with chutzpah. My concern was that she had no experience in DC and that she would be laughed out of her office as fast as Conrad put her there.

That woman is making me eat my hat and if I think my own wife Carole is a woman who broke the mould - I also have to admit that Bess McCord is a force of nature. Jesus Christ can I write how many grown men I have reduced to dust with one of my scowls, lectures or pronouncements? When I take someone to the woodshed they run away with their pants on fire! But not this woman. She's gorgeous, highly intelligent, forceful, and when I yell at her she either actually listens or she yells back and threatens to pop me in the nose. When I take her out back she takes the licking and keeps on ticking. She never complains about me to anyone who will gossip about it, and because of her, I now get flack from her chief of staff and her personal chihuahua. I can't give her an inch so when she leaves my office after admitting she's made an error or outright demanding respect for a job well done - I have to wait until she's long gone until I can chuckle. I tried to fire her once and she sat in front of me and said that was the only way she would back off. Conrad himself has admitted that while he always admired her and her thinking, he worried that because her focus now had a family that she might crumple on DC and disappoint him. He admitted to pushing her harder than he would ever push a male SOS and that Elizabeth wouldn't break. Jiminy Crickets today might have broken me. Her whole family was nearly blown to kingdom come and she did her job. After she spoke to her kids she held her own in the sit room and even tore a strip off the Italians while she was waiting to see if her husband was going to die. I think even if we lost Henry McCord that woman would work twice as hard to make him proud and honour his legacy. I have thought about letting Bess and Carole make friends- even set them all up with Ellen Hill; but Conrad and I agree that these women cannot gang up on us like that. We men would find ourselves in second place next to all that empowerment and now that Henry McCord has proven that he can live through anything and that he'll happily support his wife no matter what she does I have to keep the circle close. If Bess keeps on like she has been- that woman is going to rule the universe someday. Conrad is thinking about his second term and then his legacy and he says that if Bess and Henry keep on working together he's prepared to advance her position in the party.

For now though, we are going to do something nice for them. Henry wants back into DNI and he is truly a boon for that group. Elizabeth can be read in so that she can contribute and so that we don't force them to keep secrets from one another. Conrad says that Henry and Elizabeth communicate in such a sophisticated way that national security will improve if we aren't focused on jailing them for breaking the Espionage act.

And only in this journal will I ever admit that Bess' courage these last few days has been jaw dropping. If Carole had been in Henry's spot- I can't say for certain that I would have handled myself with so much class. She's impressive.

Henry

The house is quiet and I still can't process how I survived these last few days. I had a long talk with my team for Murphy Station and Jane Fellows asked me how Elizabeth was doing. Because word at the White House is that my wife has blown the doors off the place with her tireless work on this latest crisis. I can read signs and the kids flat out ratted on their mom. Stevie came home early the other day and said she overheard Elizabeth sobbing in the basement. Alison caught her sitting on the edge of the bathtub mooring just chewing her lip to pieces and Blake let slip that she's been skipping the pastries at work. I scared her to death. She may be the strongest person and she is dedicated to doing the right thing and yet, she has told me a few times over the years that she treasures our little family and that it's her greatest fear that she'll lose the rest of the people that she loves. I remember that first night I was home and feeling pretty sick, she climbed into bed and held me in her work clothes. She told me she was very proud of me, and the kids. She found out that Stevie and Ali both donated blood at the scene and that Jason was checking in with people at triage. She doesn't want me to join DNI again. She wants me to teach at the war college and stop putting my life on the line. She says it's for the kids, so they don't become orphans like she was. I heard her but I didn't listen. I have now committed myself to fight Hisb'aal- Shahid and I know she's intensely grateful that she can be read in. Am I seeking revenge for the times that she's been in mortal danger? I would never do that purposefully but maybe I am doing something unhealthy. Blaming her for Dmitri, for her time away from home all those years; all the worry I felt and the times she couldn't call home on time. She was supposed to be an analyst- but that was clearly just part of her job. If I ponder it, it parallels a lot with what I am doing. A job that is supposed to be one thing; yet it becomes something more. The chance to help a lot of people live a better life. I felt called by God, thé chance to stick it to my dad, and the free education. Elizabeth has admitted that she felt a purpose after her parents accident. The CIA needed a person with her skill set and while she was in school it was a way to pay for education, and be assured a higher purpose. It was a family for her, and she had already signed on when we met. They recruited her at her high school graduation for God's sake. The one where she was valedictorian and alone. But I digress, bottom line right now is she is hurting and feeling like her husband doesn't care that he nearly died. Her PTSD must be awful and she hasn't said much. So tonight I am going to listen. I have to figure out where she is at. I will call her assistant.

Blake is a a gem. He has been watching her closely the last couple of weeks and it's worse than I thought. She's not eating much. She's powering through and she's been sick to her stomach. She's pale, and he catches her staring at the family photos and momento's in her office. She is checking up on all three kids- even they have mentioned this. Texts, calls to the schools to see if field trips are back on time, one to Dean Ward to ensure that Alison ate her lunch. Blake said that Elizabeth didn't even fight back when that fascist Quaker insulted her. Elizabeth apologized for disturbing her. It's official. We broke Mom is what I tell the kids and we hatch a plan.

We tidy up, Alison makes a good Mac and cheese for supper and Stevie picks up some popcorn and mocha almond fudge ice cream. I convince Blake to try and shuffle her out of there by 5pm on Friday and I read Nadine in. No interruptions this weekend unless absolutely necessary. Nadine assures me Jay is fine with that as Chloe is away and everyone agrees Elizabeth needs family time.

When she arrives home we are all there to greet her. We take her coat and her briefcase. Alison hauls her upstairs and tosses jeans and a T-shirt at her. She comes downstairs puzzled. We ply her with the food and I can see her relax as we all chatter about what is happening in our lives. After supper she picks up her phone and is surprised that there are no texts. Jason takes it away from her and then he hugs her. Both the girls join in and soon they are tickling her mercilessly. She is on the couch gasping for air when they relent. Now completely disheveled she is suspicious. We all sing « for she's a jolly good fellow » and her forehead crinkles in confusion. Then Stevie explains our reason for Mom appreciation night. I add that we all love her and need her and take her love for granted. Jason chimes in that he is glad we are all in one piece because the bomb was terrifying. Alison says that we are all busy with school and friends and our own lives; but after an event like that, we need to celebrate our survival. Finally I kneel in front of her and take her hands and tell her what Conrad told me. I would have forgiven her for not being in the situation room right after it happened. If she wanted to be at the hospital with us - I would have understood. She started to cry and gathered us all in for a group hug. Through her tears she explains how scared she was and how much we all mean to her and how impossible it is to always be so professional and brave and tough. She says the idea of this house without all of our noise and our dirty socks and the bad smells is not home. She also really needs to play board games with us and go for a walk. Everyone starts laughing througj their tears and then Jason speaks up. His words are cutting but true. He wants to know why no one talks about how I could have died and left only mom to raise them. He is upset with me. The girls chime in, Stevie says she would have tried to be a dad to them but at 21 is nowhere near ready. She's in school, dating and finds it hard supervising the siblings. Alison throws her mom under the bus. All those CIA missions that we don't know about. And Iran. It was her birthday and all she could think about was that her mom was probably being tortured. Elizabeth and I looked helplessly at one another. Then my wife speaks. She admits that we don't always do the best thing for the family. That we are learning to balance jobs, service and home. She confesses that she has no idea how to raise kids older than 15- because she was on her own at that age. Jason points out that mom is damaged and she agrees. She adds that we are all damaged somewhat, as humans and that it's talks like this one that keep us honest and striving for improvement. She apologizes for making us all worry about her and admits that Karma is a bitch. She is keenly aware that losing us is her greatest fear and she adds that she does her job to make the world better for us and her grandchildren. She wants to make us proud. I tell her that we are, but that it comes with a cost. She concurs. The whole family is speaking from their souls, sitting on the couch, on the floor, touching one another. A chain of McCords. Alison points out we could all be hit by a bus tomorrow and that it is cool that her parents are role models. Stevie says that role models are amazing but hard to live up too. Jason says he doesn't try as hard as he could because he knows he's incapable of meeting our expectations. Elizabeth smacks him on the shoulder and her eyes are fierce. She says that he's making excuses for not trying his best and that all of this melancholy may have gone a step too far. Presidents and foreign ministers have kids, cops have kids, teachers have kids and that to borrow the hit by a bus theory- we are all in danger of one sort or another much more often than we care to admit. Stevie agrees. As much as it sucks, the McCords aren't Wal Mart cashiers. She wants to be a lawyer and if Ali and Jase want to be wal mart cashiers she is pretty confident they will still be fine and that Mom and Dad will still cherish them. She says if we didn't disown her last year she could be sure of that. Elizabeth laughed and admitted she could cheerfully sold Stevie to the Gypsies last year. Alison points out that Jason is just a kid and shouldn't have to know what he wants to do yet and that with this whole bullying cloud she's been under lately- it was good to have parents who cared enough to stop her and make her learn her lesson. I ruffle her hair and ask everyone to raise their right hand. I promise it will be worth it and I raise mine « repeat after me. I am a McCord. I love my family. I am a flawed human and I am grateful for these embarrassing soul searching discussions to keep us all honest. » Everyone is laughing now and Jason wants to know if he can play video games. Alison swears her blog should have a million likes and Stevie wants to call Jareth. I eye Elizabeth and she nods. She asks me to join her for a walk. We put on our running shoes and head out. It's 9 pm and my wife wants to burn off nervous energy, family therapy and a very difficult couple of weeks. DS keeps a respectable distance. She buries herself in my side, something she only does when she's feeling vulnerable. I admit that my lizard brain enjoys steadying her and being the one she leans on. She's a tough cookie. I forget she's younger than I am. I forget she raised herself because she did such an amazing job. We are near a park and I ask her to go on the swings. The grin she gives me is brighter than the stars. I push her and listen to her laugh. Breathless, she asks me to race her on the jungle gym. DS officially thinks we are insane but they let us do it. She yelps as I chase her across the bridge and she shimmies down the pole and hides in the pirate fort. I join her and we sit in the cold sand. I tell her that we are going to get bladder infections. She nods. Her mom used to say that too. We talk about our younger selves and I keep the conversation to under 13 adventures so I don't make her cry. It's exactly what we need and when Elizabeth announces that her butt is soaked we decide to go home and warm up. I spank her teasingly and she swats next back. Her jeans are covered in sand and her face is red with cold. Her eyes have some bounce back in them and she asks me if we can go home and take a very adult shower.

I agree and that's exactly what we do. We are experts at keeping the kids from knowing what we are doing, and tonight we simply don't care. They are all occupied and ignoring us anyway. It's amazing we don't slip in that shower. Tomorrow we will have to do laundry and it's been a while since I washed clothes covered in sand. Since Iraq back in 2005 if I remember. She knows what I am thinking and she says she can do the laundry. I bury my face in her coconut scented hair and start crying. She rubs my back. After a few minutes I admit that I am terrified of losing my family. I tell her that when I saw those Haz-Mat suits I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach. She can relate. The moment she woke up on the morning of the Iran trip until she was home in my arms she knew she was screwed. We promise to do better with the chances we have been given and she senses pain I didn't know I had. She apologizes for Dmitri and says that she can't ever fix that but she can honour the scar I carry. I thank her for that. My wife is honest and while we both know we will fight again, in this moment it's late on a Friday night and all five of us are home safe and communicating. That has to count for something.

Fin


	13. Chapter13

Events surrounding Minefield. The Season 4 Christmas party that Elizabeth has because she wants a treaty on land mines. She's also thinking about things... Henry is furious at Beau Carpenter and Stevie is exasperated by her mom. I may take a short break from Musings to do a couple of different stories - Russell and Bess, but I love writing musings. Again if there are typos and grammar errors - I apologize. I am writing on an IPhone.

Enjoy!

-Elizabeth

I need to do some soul searching this Christmas. It's the end of 2017, we just arrested the Senate Majority leader for colluding with the Russians to infiltrate our government. Henry is beside himself with righteous indignation and I will be starting the new year off by holding Russia accountable.

On top of that- people are looking at me to be Conrad's legacy and I don't know what I think about that. On the surface I say no. A few years ago I was on a horse farm. I was a few years in to a good solid teaching career at UVA. I was a PTA mom who shopped at Wal Mart and I wore pigtails on the weekends. Then,overnight,I became Secretary of State and dragged my whole family into the swamp of DC politics because my old friend said I could affect real change in the world.

Now, I can't drive, I have diplomatic security and I have been embroiled in more dangerous situations than I thought possible after I left the CIA. Henry thinks it's hilarious. He didn't want me spending any more time in Iraq than I already had. I fought him on it- but in the end I realized that even a cat only has nine lives and my children and husband wanted, needed me to be safe, predictable and home.

I miss driving. I don't regret leaving CIA, and as Secretary of State, I have been involved in some incredibly stressful, life changing politics.

But I came to serve the POTUS. Not to be the POTUS. If I run, how would that even work? And if I win? The first female president? What could that even look like.

I don't want to go back to the horse farm again. Since Buttercup died, I feel like I need a new dream. The kids are almost grown and they like city life. Henry is in Intelligence work. He sees more action than I ever wanted for him. It scares me to death if I am going to be blunt. It was hell when he went to desert storm. I threw myself into my job at CIA and somehow we both made it to today - alive. My Henry is a kind soul, a rare soul- and I always knew my very educated specialized husband was called to a higher purpose. He did some work for the NSA years ago, and with me in the cabinet now- his skills have diversified as he worked, and let me shape policy. I swear to God though, I have had it with Conrad and Russell sending him off to get killed and it amazes me that I haven't said "Send somebody else," or the even better "I don't fucking think so."

My favourite adventures though - are the ones I inadvertently send him on myself. Bolivia comes to mind. I suggested Henry make a phone call. I should have known Conrad would up the ante. That was a fun couple of days. When I got Henry home he told me I couldn't be upset because it was my plan. I know. I beat myself up pretty hard over that and damnit, if Henry didn't see right through that and talk me off the stage of the self loathing tour. I married an amazing man. The covenant of John was stopped and he saved some lives and we got the congressman back.

I explained all of my fears to Henry after the last one, where I did utter "He means bring your ass home Henry." My husband reminded me that I am his SOS in those situations, not his wife. I argued right back that I was both. What is Conrad going to do - put me in the time out corner? Henry is afraid that there is such a place for me - and I won't like it there at all. "They'll shut you down babe. And you'll be in the dark and in trouble and your career might be finished" and I hate it that he is right about this. I asked him to just please understand that if it was reversed he might be telling me to haul my ass home. His eyes were murderous as he mentioned that he has been in that place and I was not always as co operative about it as I think I am or that I expect him to be. So he has a point. When the man is right, and I deserve it- I will send myself to the woodshed. There's been a lot of that this week for me. It wasn't just Henry I had to apologize to; this week my kids schooled me on what a pain in the ass I can be. This Christmas party we had- to get votes for us to finally deal with land mines. Because I wouldn't use a party planner, Russell thought it would be kicky to dump this on Stevie. As she pointed out - I am a Diva sometimes. Alison and Jason both agree and ruefully, shamefully, I have to concede the point. So the outside world sees me as a future President. My brand new policy adviser once threw a table at a guy because he fell for a bribe that screwed everyone over and flattened a good plan and she also says that avocado farms are over rated. She wants to work for me because I inspire her. Oh Kat. Maybe I really am just a bag of hot air. Who am I to be planning all these lives? I just told Blake I was going to fire him in a year for his own good. If anybody deserves to be popped in the nose right now and sent home to adjust her attitude it's this girl. God, if Will finds out what's been happening around here these last few weeks I will never live this down. He's still high about the fact that I am believed to be a murderess by 12 per cent of Americans. I also owe him a nice lunch.

The silver lining in all this, is how proud I am of everyone in my life for having the balls to shut me down when I am being insufferable. My daughter Stevie, has become this incredibly strong beautiful woman and she put together a party that was not only perfect for what was needed, but also fit with the McCord budget and lifestyle. She managed to get everyone to do what they were supposed to do - including manage me. She's even proud of me and sees me as more than a mom and a Secretary of State - despite my recent behaviour. Maybe saying goodbye to Jareth has been good for her. Maybe there's a new guy, or maybe it's all of it and my baby girl has come so far since dropping out of Lovell.

I miss my mom. Who would I be today if Suzanne had lived? I think about that sometimes. Especially as my kids now are older than Will and I were when we lost our parents. Dad and Will were butting heads. I was only just starting to rebel. Would I have been so focused on Math and it's elegance if I hadn't been in the middle of math homework when they died? If I hadn't needed a philosophy essay class to round me out- would I have have appreciated Henry McCord and his quiet steadfast strength? If not for an insanely lonely few years would the McCord cacauphony have made such an impression on me? Would I have been like Blake and wanted to rip my face off when the idea of my parents visiting me was just too much? A life with no Houghton Hall, no Joey- what about Conrad? That man spoke to my soul because the idea of service was important to a girl who felt powerless and wanted to matter...

This could all go on forever and every single choice could have been different.

But that isn't my reality. My reality is that who I am is shaped because of my life and those people in it. So who I am is a service minded woman who happens to be in love with being a mom, Secretary of State and who secretly loved her adventures with CIA. Bruises fade, bones heal and the stories are good ones. I got to do some crazy shit. I also got into way more trouble than I had a right to, and had my ass saved by luck, good training, the balls we have when we are in our 20's and America has an Eagle on our shoulders.

I have shaped my kids. All three of them- with my intentions, my failures, my genetics and my reactions. I have lifted them, and I have hurt them. I know that. And now? I see what it means to be in the cabinet. The costs. To even think about going for POTUS. Not only is that an ask of everyone in my house- it's an ask of my colleagues and of America. Who would donate to me? What would I owe them for those dollars? Is America ready for a woman? A middle aged non partisan woman who comes up with crazy ideas? I can't be President because it's about me. I could only do it if I thought America needed my lens to focus her needs and intentions. And campaigning, not to mention our house and our savings- do I have any right to ask Henry to do this for me? To do this with me? What does that mean for his dreams.

So clearly I have to do some soul searching. I need to make amends to my family- because I love and respect them and they take a lot of heat for me. I need to do something special for my staff because they are with me through the daily grind at state. Blake alone deserves a private island in the Maldives. I bet he wishes he could go back in time and drop my class on Political Economy.

Henry says my parents would be proud of who Lizzie Adams became. I bank on the idea that he knows something I don't. I can start fresh today though. Be a daughter that doesn't just plow ahead and expect others to deal with the mess. My dad was big on personal responsibility. That's me again, no more attitude. It was easier when I was a kid. My mom and dad would talk to me about what I was doing wrong and the lesson always made sense. I would apologize and move on. As an adult, this is still good advice, but so much harder to do.

Henry

I had a talk with the kids today. It might be fun to be on their side for a few minutes and play let's pick mom apart - but we could just as easily play Pick dad apart or Pick each of them a part. Mom, the love of my life, is imperfect but highly aware of her flaws. I can sense she knows she's pissed off a few of us, because she's quiet, journaling furiously and lost in thought. There's been an uptick in her jogging, and Russell said she apologized to him this morning and it was just an awkward mess because he hadn't screamed at her yet. Apparently she apologized for that too. Blake says he's been given a weekend off - and he knows the weekend that she's picked is one she'll find very challenging without him to help.

I know this. This is I feel guilty Elizabeth and it never ends well. It usually ends with her in the kitchen trying to make some big meal to feed everyone; and ends with the fire department at our house. The last time this occurred I told her to just give a heartfelt verbal apology to the person she pissed off. Then avoid repeating that behaviour for at least 24 hours. God Bless her she does so much good in the world but these small things - she has such a hard time with these little everyday things.

If she's this obtuse, it also is a sign that she's pregnant or has a huge idea on her mind. She's almost 50- so if she's pregnant I will eat her party dress. Stevie said people are thinking of her as Conrad's legacy and I bet that's it. She's probably feeling very vulnerable. I am going to stage an intervention. Talk to DS and explain that if she wants to stop at Kroeger's and is talking about cooking- well, they need to shut that down immediately. They are smart guys and they know us intimately. Matt covered his mouth in horror and Ted said he'd shoot her first. Alison swears she will spend Christmas in Pittsburgh first and Jason is ready to hack the appliances. After our stalker incident Jason became quite the expert on how appliances are interconnected. Stevie who remembers being leveraged for baked goods as a kid wants to know why we don't just remind her daily to stay out of the kitchen unless it's to warm up leftovers and the idea is a good one. It's just that Elizabeth wants to nest and care for her brood. Her inner Mama bear instinct to feed us overrides that memory of of the fire trucks. And every time we as a family have to break her heart and embarrass her- her nose crinkles and she looks so bloody crestfallen it's adorable - those eyes of hers make you want to eat the charred piece of whatever it was- and tell her it was delicious. Lydia tried to help once. Said no one on earth could screw up her mothers chicken pie. Conrad and I came home from the game and Lydia told me I owed her a new Dutch oven and a bottle of bourbon. My poor wife. Elizabeth McCord could be your President but she could never, ever be your chef.

...

I could cheerfully strangle Beau Carpenter. The number of agents and the intel he blew for America just to keep his own son from facing a couple of years in a club fed — it all makes me sick. Elizabeth told me how he once needed her plane to go to Cabo and she was just dumbfounded at the sheer audacity it took for him to say that was his "fact finding mission".

She's worried she is falling into a trap. Becoming high minded and superior. She's upset about how when it came to the party planning we all knew she was going to be weird about it. She's also aware that it seems obsessive of her to be picking her obsessive nature apart. I told her - as long as she's always questioning herself that she's doing a better job for America than if she simply went along with everyone or allowed herself to be swayed.

...

Elizabeth

It's Christmas night and everyone has gone to bed and I just finished tidying up the kitchen. So I am going to sit here and look at the lights on the tree. Henry worked so hard on making dinner for us all, as did our three kids so it's up to me to clean the mess. Fair is fair. I know I have tried to cook for them in the past and I really have to remember that it's just not something I can do. Yet. I want to take cooking lessons and surprise them all one day. It's a sore spot for me that I love cooking and baking shows; but can't actually do anything except eat and admire the food. Every time I ask my motorcade to stop at a grocery store; or if I order a food box- DS checks in with Henry. It's embarrassing. I need to change this. I think it's because I try too hard and forget about timers. Eggs in this pan, veggies in that one and so forth. Then a kid would cry, or my phone rings and suddenly the eggs were on fire, the risotto was stuck to the pan, the microwave went off and now the veggies were cold. At work I can delegate. Kat does one job, Jay another and I manage them. I need to be the head chef and have several sous chefs. I love my kitchen but that's just not going to fit and then my family would say that I planned dinner but I did not make it. They think I forgot about the fire trucks out to the farm. I remember and I turn beet red every time. Things were simmering perfectly and I had to pee. When I came back from that there were 3 feet of flames, and while I grabbed the fire extinguisher Alison called 911 and Stevie called her dad. Jason did the sing song "Mama's in tr-ouble" and I was. Henry was so exasperated and I had to pay for the cleaning, repairs and inspection before we could use the kitchen again. Also a week of takeout dinners. And even though you think Charlottesville is a small place and your family loves you enough stay quiet- they do not. It was months of teasing at work and in the community and I think I was the laughingstock of town and UVA until the summer break.

But today was Christmas and it was another beautiful day, and I cried because I am so grateful for this family of mine. My kids have grown, and it's not about Santa anymore- someday there will hopefully be baby men and baby women- but it is about family and tradition and when I was a kid alone at boarding school and missing my parents I honestly thought that my happy memories were behind me. But now I am graced by these noisy people who love me and who work hard to make me feel special on these holidays. We have a tree, music, food, gifts and snow. Even Mother Nature wants me to smile today. We over ate, over indulged and we even managed to go down to the soup kitchen and serve lunch as a family. I could see that despite the pleas for more stuff and the pull of technology- Stevie, Alison and Jason really loved serving up necessities to some of DC's most vulnerable people. On the ride home Jason snuggled his head against my shoulder and I saw my little boy again.

Alison took off the new scarf she was wearing and gave it to a young pregnant woman who didn't have one. She later apologized to me because she knew I had bought it for her in New York City and it had Hello Kitty all over it. I just felt something inside of me that wanted to explode with happiness.

My husband is the most giving man I have ever met and how he puts up with me and my crazy personality I will never grasp. And that's the point of grace, he says. To love someone anyway.

I love democracy like that, and that's why Henry says I really need to think about doing more for America. He told me that I am a beautiful woman who is always uncomfortable in her own skin and that makes me perfect to fight for our country. What do I even say to that? Can I mount a campaign? And if I won does that mean 4 to 8 years of feeling completely inadequate and embarrassed more days than I feel confident? Would my staff come with me? Would the kids be OK if they were scrutinized more and can I ask my family to be in even more danger than they already are with me as the Secretary? Does that make me a bad mother?

All right. Enough for tonight. I need Tums and sleep. I can think about this more over the next week or so. Tomorrow we are all going skiing as an Adams clan up in Vermont and I haven't practiced in two years so after three days of that I won't be able to move and maybe I can talk to Will about this. He'll be honest with me in a way that will be insufferable and if he was any different he wouldn't be my brother. Plus Annie is the little girl fix I need right now because my two daughters did that growing up thing that makes me proud and nostalgic. I wonder often if Mom and I would be close. If she would be coming skiing with us. If she would be nostalgic and proud of me. I do know for certain that dad would have been angry with Beau Carpenter and he would have loved how Carlos Morejon and I can work together even though we secretly want to bash each other in the teeth. Dad would say Carlos and I should be locked in a room together like in that old movie Parent Trap. We wouldn't be allowed out until we got along. My father was big on diplomacy, and he loved Christmas. He also loved winter camping and we went every year and froze. But those memories now are ones I cherish. I miss you Dad...

Go to bed Lizzie Adams McCord. Focus on how if you become President and go too much longer without driving and Henry will make you take driver's ed right alongside those grandchildren you want so badly. Because that only makes sense when you haven't driven in years. That will be embarrassing enough. Drivers ed at almost 60. That's better. I can see my dad laughing at me from here. That last batch of lard balls- umm shortbread really isn't sitting well. Merry Christmas journal.

Fin of this chapter.


End file.
